Librarian: Sir, wouldn't you be more comfortable in a study room?
Andrew Beckett: No. Would it make you more comfortable?

Now, explain it to me like I'm a four-year-old.

Joe Miller

[in court, to witness] Are you a homo? Are you a queer? Are you a faggot? Are you a fruit? Are you gay, sir?

Joe Miller

Andrew Beckett: That's their story. Wanna hear mine?
Joe Miller: How many lawyers did you go to before me?
Andrew Beckett: Nine.
Joe Miller: Go on.

A pity they let the old punishment die... Was a time detention found you hanging by your thumbs in the dungeons... God, I miss the screaming.

Caretaker Argus Filch

Joe Miller: The Federal Vocational Rehabilitation Act of 1973 prohibits discrimination against otherwise qualified handicapped persons who are able to perform the duties required by their employment. Although the ruling did not address the specific issue of HIV and AIDS discrimination...
Andrew Beckett: Subsequent decisions have held that AIDS is protected as a handicap under law, not only because of the physical limitations it imposes, but because the prejudice surrounding AIDS exacts a social death which precede... which precedes the physical one.
Joe Miller: This is the essence of discrimination: formulating opinions about others not based on their individual merits, but rather on their membership in a group with assumed characteristics.

Forget everything you've seen on television and in the movies.

Joe Miller

We're standing here in Philadelphia, the, uh, city of brotherly love, the birthplace of freedom, where the, uh, founding fathers authored the Declaration of Independence, and I don't recall that glorious document saying anything about all straight men are created equal. I believe it says all men are created equal.

Joe Miller

[hotwiring a neighbor's minivan] He's had my barbecue set for months.

John Smith

Joe Miller: Have you ever felt discriminated against at Wyatt Wheeler?
Anthea Burton: Well, yes.
Joe Miller: In what way?
Anthea Burton: Well, Mr. Wheeler's secretary, Lydia, said that Mr. Wheeler had a problem with my earrings.
Joe Miller: Really?
Anthea Burton: Apparently Mr. Wheeler felt that they were too... "Ethnic" is the word she used. And she told me that he said that he would like it if I wore something a little less garish, a little smaller, and more "American."
Joe Miller: What'd you say?
Anthea Burton: I said my earrings are American. They're African-American.

Hagrid: Blimey, I'd love a dragon.
Harry: You'd like a dragon?
Hagrid: Vastly misunderstood beasts, Harry. Vastly misunderstood.

Harry: Good of you to get us out of trouble like that.
Ron: Mind you, we did save her life!
Harry: Mind you, she might not have needed saving if you hadn't insulted her.
Ron: What are friends for?

FREE Movie Newsletter