Jane Smith: My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.
John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?
Jane Smith: Paid actor.
John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!

Augusten Burroughs: I'm gay.
Natalie: Big dea

So they were turning after all, those cameras. Life, which can be strangely merciful, had taken pity on Norma Desmond. The dream she had clung to so desperately had enfolded her.

Joe Gillis

[Looking over an inadequate contract]
Jerry Maguire: I'll go back to them.
Marcee Tidwell: And say what? "Please remove your dick from my ass"?

I'm sure you guys were talking about pirogies and snow but let's cut that out.


Move, children. Vamanos.


Back home, when I'd tell people what I do for a living, they'd think, "Well, yeah, that figures." But over here, it's a... a big mystery. So I guess I've changed some.

Captain Miller

Anne: What would you say if no one came to your funeral?
Georges: Nothing, presumably.

Record Company Executive: [talking about the Opry] He's been banned for smashing out the footlights. If he smashes out lights at Folsom, they're gonna keep him there.
Johnny Cash: [Laughs]

Ken: [while examining bite wound on Leroy's buttocks] Okay, looks like the venom has to be sucked out.
[Looks around]
Ken: Anyone? Ok, fine. I'll do it.
Big Leroy: [pushes Ken away] Oh, there will be no sucking! Get this guy away from my ass!

Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard: Newman, what are you doing?
Newman: I'm thinking.
Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard: Well, think me up a cup of coffee and a chocolate doughnut with some of those little sprinkles on top, just as long as you're thinking.

Alex: You are really good out there.
B. Rabbit: Where? In line at the lunch truck?

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