Kirby: There are several quintessential moments in a man's life: losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you.

No diet works. The only way to lose weight in the thighs is amputation.

Wendy

Jules: I thought you were taking steps to phase out everything that wasn't working in your life.
Wendy: That doesn't leave much.

You know Jules, there is the brink of insanity and then there is the abyss, which obviously you have fallen into!

Kevin

Kirby: Why do they put ice in the urinals?
Kevin: It tastes better.
Kirby: Bah Dum bum ching.

Leslie: Alec is becoming a Republican... and he wants to get married! Oh, my God!
Jules: I always knew he was a Republican!

I should have had a vasectomy at birth! Let me tell you something Al, you ever have boys, do them a favor and get them neutered straight away. If they ever knock up some little slut, they're the ones who're fucked! Fucked for life! I hate you, you little bitch!

Billy

So you lost your job? I've lost 20 since graduation. Plus a wife and kid. And, in a new development this morning, a handful of hair in the shower drain.

Billy

Leslie: How's Howie?
Wendy: Oh well, I wouldn't say my father's trying to bribe me, but he did offer me a Chrysler Lebaron convertible if I get engaged to Howie.
Jules: Have you fucked him yet?
Wendy: Jules!... God.
Jules: Listen... get the car, fuck him, and if you don't like him, break the engagement... And then you can still fuck him.

You break my heart. Then again, you break everyone's heart.

Jules

Harry: I swear I don't know. One second the glass was there and the next it was gone. It was like magic.
Uncle Vernon: There is no such thing as magic!

Hermione: Ron, you don't suppose this is going to be like . . real wizard's chess, do you?
[one of the giant white pawns crosses the board, and smashes the black pawn with a violent blow]
Ron: Yes, Hermione, I think this is going to be exactly like wizard's chess.

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