Agnes Finch: Natalie is not coming. I told her I'd deal with it.
Augusten Burroughs: Don't try to stop me, Agnes. I'm going. I'm going to miss you.
Agnes Finch: I'll miss you, too. You're a... the best son a mom could ever want. You need to know that.
[She hands him a small box filled with money.]
Augusten Burroughs: Oh, my God. Agnes, there's--there's a lot of money here.
Agnes Finch: A penny here, a dime there. It adds up. The Doctor doesn't know I have it, of course. No one does. You know, this morning, the IRS came again. And I almost gave it to them. Then I though, "No. For once in my life, I'm going to invest wisely." When you write a book, you send me a copy. Goodbye, my sweet boy.
Augusten Burroughs: Agnes. What're you gonna do now?
Agnes Finch: I don't know. Maybe I'll take down the Christmas tree.

Cole Trickle: Whoa. Her ass is all over the place.
Harry Hogge: When the rear end's loose, the car's fast. Loose is fast, and on the edge you're out of control.

Cole Trickle: Now can you walk, or am I gonna have to carry you?
Harry Hogge: Where to?
Cole Trickle: Victory Lane.
Harry Hogge: Walk? Hell... I'll race your ass.

I'm settin' you up for cool weather... but if that sun breaks, after you're out on the track, you're liable to get real loose real quick. Now I don't wanna worry you or nothin, but, Cole's not ready for that... he's changed, see, he's changed. You cannot get out of control and expect him to bring you right back. He's liable to hurt you, you're liable to hurt him, and... I couldn't handle that, so, ah, you've gotta take care of him... see... you gotta take care of him.

Harry Hogge

What kind of driver are you going to find after the season's started? Some old boy who's washed up, and wasn't worth a shit to begin with.

Harry Hogge

The Ring is mine.

Frodo

It's impressive to see a man feeding off his emotions.

William Somerset

Police Captain: Neighbors heard them screaming at each other, like for two hours, and it was nothing new. Then they heard the gun go off, both barrels. Crime of passion.
William Somerset: Yea, just look at all the passion on that wall.

Vanessa Bell: Virginia.
Virginia Woolf: Leonard thinks it's the end of civilization: People who are invited at 4 and arrive at 2:30.
Vanessa Bell: Oh God.
Virginia Woolf: Barbarians.

Leonard Woolf: If I didn't know you better I'd call this ingratitude.
Virginia Woolf: I am ungrateful? You call ME ungrateful? My life has been stolen from me. I'm living in a town I have no wish to live in... I'm living a life I have no wish to live... How did this happen?

Deirdre Burroughs: I disapprove of your choices.
Augusten Burroughs: I haven't had a choice!
Deirdre Burroughs: You did when you wrote this, didn't you?
Augusten Burroughs: You read my journal?
Deirdre Burroughs: Don't try and compete with me, Augusten. If you move back in with me, I won't allow it. You'll only get hurt. When I become a very famous woman, they'll write that I had a son who was a writer too, who doesn't compare to my brilliance. I want more for you than that.
Augusten Burroughs: Did you mix your pills again?

William Somerset: This guy's methodical, exacting, and worst of all, patient.
David Mills: He's a nut-bag! Just because the fucker's got a library card doesn't make him Yoda!

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