You didn't exactly finish up with flying colours in the Air National Guard, junior.

George Herbert Walker Bush

[after catching Harry scribbling on his paper]
Professor Severus Snape: Tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?
[Harry doesn't answer]
Professor Severus Snape: You don't know? Well, let's try again... Where, Mr. Potter, would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?
Harry: I don't know, sir.
Professor Severus Snape: And what is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?
Harry: I don't know, sir.
Professor Severus Snape: Pity... clearly, fame isn't everything, is it, Mr. Potter?

Kitty Fane: Walter, I'm pregnant.
Walter Fane: Kitty, am I the father?
Kitty Fane: I honestly don't know. I'm sorry.
Walter Fane: Well, it doesn't matter now. Does it?

Beatrice McCready: You took Amanda with you?
Helene McCready: Well, what am I gonna' do? Leave her in the car, Bea? I don't got no daycare. It's really hard bein' a mother. It's hard raisin a family, you know? All on my own. But God made you barren, so you wouldn't fuckin' know. So I understand, Bea, okay?
Beatrice McCready: You are an abomination.

You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee."
So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!"


Cassie Cartwright: Just finished my shift. Wanna dance?
Ennis Del Mar: I was just on my way to the...
Cassie Cartwright: I'm Cassie; Cassie Cartwright.
Ennis Del Mar: Ennis. Del Mar.

Carolyn Burnham: What are you doing?
Lester Burnham: Nothing.
Carolyn Burnham: You were masturbating!
Lester Burnham: I was not.
Carolyn Burnham: Yes you were!
Lester Burnham: Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!

Heather: So, are you my mom's boyfriend?
Billy Chapel: I'm not sure.
Heather: But you've slept with her.

Sam, I can go at least another nine rounds, but you got to let me in.


Can we dial down the boobies?

Damon Schmidt

Nicky: I cannot believe you lied to me.
Jess: You can't believe I lied?
Nicky: I can't believe it.
Jess: Oh, that's so rich from you.
Nicky: That's what you want to say to me?
Jess: Yeah, cause you're always lying, Nicky, and now we're dead.

Derek Vinyard: Is he strapped?
Danny Vinyard: Huh?
Derek Vinyard: Does he have a fucking gun Danny?
Danny Vinyard: Man I don't fuckin' know.

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