If you're lying to me, I'll be back!

Julius Benedict

Vincent Benedict: Money talks and bullshit walks!
Julius Benedict: How can bullshit walk?

Vincent Benedict: You're a virgin!
Julius Benedict: That's private.
Vincent Benedict: A 230-pound virgin!

Vincent Benedict: Through the lips, over the gums...
Julius Benedict: Look out stomach! Here it comes!

Julius Benedict: My name is Julius and I am your twin brother.
Vincent Benedict: Oh, obviously! The moment I sat down I thought I was looking into a mirror.

Vincent Benedict: [impressed with Julius's fighting abilities] You could be a boxer or something. I could be your manager.
Julius Benedict: No, I could never fight for money.
Vincent Benedict: Well that's fine. You fight, I'll keep the money.

Julius Benedict: Actually, I hate violence. Vincent Benedict: But you're so good at it!

I don't know what the problem is, but I'm sure it can be solved without resorting to violence.

Julius Benedict

Female Neighbor: Excuse me? Excuse me. Never sleep with that man, never loan him money, and never believe a word he tells you. That's free advice.
Vincent Benedict: Morning, Agnes.

Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.

Lotte Schwartz

Do you know what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?

Craig Schwartz

You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!

Craig Schwartz

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