Jordan Belfort: [to the waiter] Oh, I'm good with water for now.
Mark Hanna: It's his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.
Sell me this pen!Jordan Belfort
Jordan Belfort: [Wakes up on plane; finds he is restrained by a seatbelt across his chest] Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck. Donnie. Donnie this isn't... this isn't funny, you gotta untie me, buddy.
Donnie Azoff: I can't untie you! The captain tied you up, he almost fuckin' tasered you!
Jordan Belfort: Why?
Donnie Azoff: Why? You were, like, screaming at people. You were on the floor rollin' around and shit.
Jordan Belfort: Oh, Jesus.
Donnie Azoff: You called the captain the n-word.
Jordan Belfort: I called the captain the n-word?
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, he was very upset.
Jordan Belfort: Really?
Donnie Azoff: Luckily we're in first class. Jesus Christ. I think you have a fuckin' drug problem.
Mark Hanna: You gotta stay relaxed. Do you jerk off?
Jordan Belfort: Do I jerk off? Yeah.
Mark Hanna: How many times a week?
Jordan Belfort: Like um... three, three or four times maybe.
Mark Hanna: All right, pump those numbers up, those are rookie numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at least... twice a day.
Jordan Belfort: Wow.
I fucked her brains out... for eleven seconds.Jordan Belfort
Donnie Azoff: How much money you make?
Jordan Belfort: $70.000 last month.
Donnie Azoff: Get the fuck outta here!
Jordan Belfort: Well technically, U$72.000 last month.
Donnie Azoff: You show me a pay stub for U$72.000, I quit my job right now and work for you.
Donnie Azoff: Hey Paulie, what's up? No, everything's fine. Hey listen, I quit!
Jordan Belfort: People say shit... I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.
Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it's not like what you think.
Jordan Belfort: Is she like, a first cousin?
Donnie Azoff: Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know, she fucking grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to fuck her, you know, and I'm not gonna let one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I'm not like, gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone's gonna fuck my cousin, it's gonna be me. Out of respect.
Max Belfort: What kind of hooker takes credit card?
Donnie Azoff: A rich one.
I am not gonna die sober!Jordan Belfort
On a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Island, and Queens for a month. I take Quaaludes 10-15 times a day for my "back pain", Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine... Well, because it's awesome.Jordan Belfort
My name is Jordan Belfort. The year I turned 26, I made 49 million dollars, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.Jordan Belfort
Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I've been a poor man, and I've been a rich man. And I choose rich every fucking time.Jordan Belfort