And you really believe that just because you publish children's books, people care about my reputation? You can have pictures of me wearing nipple rings, butt fucking Captain Kangaroo. The only thing they care about is the stock and whether that stock is up or down!


Nicholas: What's that?
Conrad: [signs document] This... is... the bill.
Nicholas: Do you want to split it?
Conrad: [exhales] Oh God yes! I'll take some of that...
[shows Nicholas enormous number at bottom]
Nicholas: [shocked] Oh my God.

New Member Ted: This was the best one ever!
Jim Feingold: [shakes Nicholas' hand] You know, thank God you jumped, because if you didn't, I was supposed to throw you off!

Nicholas: No, what is this? What are you... selling?
Jim Feingold: Oh. It's a game.

They won't leave me alone! I'm a goddamn human piñata!


Did I have a choice? Did I have a choice?


Nicholas: [reading card] "Consumer Recreation Services." Well, I do have golf clubs.
Conrad: Call that number.
Nicholas: Why?
Conrad: Make your life... fun.
Nicholas: Fun.
Conrad: You know what that is... uh, you've seen other people have it.

Conrad: This is for you.
Nicholas: You shouldn't have.
Conrad: What do you get for the man who has... everything?

I don't care about the money. I'm pulling back the curtain. I want to meet the wizard.


We're like an experiential Book-of-the-Month Club.

Jim Feingold

The game is tailored specifically to each participant. Think of it as a great vacation, except you don't go to it, it comes to you.

Jim Feingold

I'm being toyed with by a bunch of depraved children.


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