John Smith: That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.
Jane Smith: Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb.

Jane Smith: Any last words?
John Smith: The new curtains are hideous.

Jane Smith: Wait, why do I get the girl gun?
John Smith: Are you kidding me?

[hotwiring a neighbor's minivan] He's had my barbecue set for months.

John Smith

Jane Smith: My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.
John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?
Jane Smith: Paid actor.
John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!

John Smith: [during a car chase] I never told you, but I was married once before.
Jane Smith: [slams on the brakes]
John Smith: What's wrong with you?
Jane Smith: [hitting John] You're what's wrong with me John.
John Smith: It was just a drunken Vegas thing.
Jane Smith: Oh, that's better. That's *much* better.
Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?
John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.

[after his wife checks his crotch for a weapon] That's all John, sweetheart.

John Smith

John Smith: How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...
Jane Smith: 312.
John Smith: What? How?
Jane Smith: Some were two at a time.

We're going to have to re-do every conversation we've ever had.

John Smith

Mom #1: Eddie?
Eddie: [shouts] Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!
Mom #1: [pause] Never mind.

We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.

John Smith

Eddie: This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy.
John Smith: She tried to kill me.
Eddie: They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it?
John Smith: [grabs assault rifle] I'm going to borrow this.
Eddie: I like where your head's at, man.

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