Norman Burroughs: I don't understand.
Six-Year-Old Augusten Burroughs: I polish my allowance. I boil it clean, then polish it with silver polish.
Norman Burroughs: But why, Augusten? Why?
Six-Year-Old Augusten Burroughs: Because I like shiny things.
Norman Burroughs: I really don't see myself in you at all.
Six-Year-Old Augusten Burroughs: I'm more like my mom. I want to be special and I want to be famous.

Augusten. Don't smoke my cigarettes. You have a pack of your own.

Deirdre Burroughs

According to Hope, Froyd died of kitty Lukemia. According to me Froyd died of being trapped in a laundry basket for four days without food or water

Augusten Burroughs

Hope: You know Natalie, youre so oral, you'll never get to anal
Natalie: And youll never get a dick in your dried up cunt, you old maid!

I need high cellings

Deirdre Burroughs

Neil Bookman: I'm a fuck-up and it's your fault!
Dr. Finch: That's right, Neil. Blame your father for your inability to focus. Direct all of that rage at me if it makes you feel better.
Neil Bookman: I can't focus because of the voices! I see you for what you are. Yeah. The camera never lies. No! My parents have given you thousands of dollars and I'm still sick! You have to help me get better! You know what I do! You have to help me get better!
Dr. Finch: You're right, Neil. You're right. I've done nothing, apparently. I've never pulled any strings, gotten you a scholarship to the University of Rochester to pursue your photographic interests. Absolutely nothing.
Neil Bookman: You just wanted to get rid of me. Why won't you let me live in this house and be a part of this family?
Dr. Finch: Because I am the patriarch! And when the patriarch says jump, you jump, goddamnit! You don't co-operate, Neil, and for that, you're punished!
Neil Bookman: That's not why you won't let me live in this house. You won't let me because you're afraid of me, aren't you? Of what I could do to you in the middle of the night while you're sleeping. Huh? You're afraid of me. Aren't you, Doctor?
Dr. Finch: Our time is up, Neil. I believe we've made a breakthrough today.

Dr. Jules Hilbert: Aren't you relieved to know that you're not a golem?
Harold Crick: Yes. I am relieved to know that I am not a golem.

Karen Eiffel: I went out... to buy cigarettes and I figured out how to kill Harold Crick.
Penny Escher: Buying cigarettes?
Karen Eiffel: As I was... when I came out of the store I... it came to me.
Penny Escher: How?
Karen Eiffel: Well, Penny, like anything worth writing, it came inexplicably and without method.

Dr. Jules Hilbert: Hell Harold, you could just eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted.
Harold Crick: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?
Dr. Jules Hilbert: Harold, if you pause to think, you'd realize that that answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes.

[narrating] Why was Harold talking to this man? This man... was an idiot; this man used words like "wibbly-wobbly" and "convo", and explained that trees were trees. Of course trees were trees; Harold knew that trees were trees.

Karen Eiffel

This might not mean anything to you, but I think I'm in a tragedy.

Harold Crick

Let's start with ridiculous and work backwards.

Dr. Jules Hilbert

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