I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream - and I hope you don't find this too crazy - is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!" That would be bad.

C.D. Bales

I, uh, notice you don't have any tattoos. I think that's a wise choice. I don't think Jackie Onassis would've gone as far if she'd have had an anchor on her arm.

C.D. Bales

Your breasts, they're like melons. No, no, they're like pillows. Can I fluff your pillows?

Chris McConnell

Sandy: He's got a great ass.
Roxanne Kowalski: Too bad it's on his shoulders.

Dixie: Want anything? A drink?
C.D. Bales: Yeah, but if I ask for another one, give it to me.

That's our new computer. We can pinpoint any fire in town with that. It's perfect for us, because, you know, we're the fire department.

Andy

[unable to sip from a narrow-mouthed wineglass, C.D. sticks his nose into the glass and snorts it]
C.D. Bales: Party trick. Ah, well, a nose by any other name...
Roxanne Kowalski: Would smell as sweet.

Dixie: Hey, what about your boyfriend? What was his name?
Roxanne Kowalski: Richard.
Dixie: When's he coming?
Roxanne Kowalski: He's not. He's not coming.
Dixie: What happened?
Roxanne Kowalski: We just ran out of gas. I guess I mistook sex for love.
Sandy: Oh, I did that once. It was great.

I have to crack this guy. I mean this is Defcon 5, and I have to do something truly appalling. It's not funny.

Andie

Well, every job has a perfect tool. Let's see... Uh, this lock doesn't accept Master Card.

C.D. Bales

C.D. Bales: [the first time Chris sees C.D.'s nose] It's hypnotic, isn't it?
Chris McConnell: It's huge! It's enormous! It's gigantic! I mean, they said it was big, but I didn't expect it to be BIG!

It's not the size of the nose that matters, it's what's inside that counts!

C.D. Bales

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