Melanie Carmichael: [of Bryant the dog] Can he swim?
Jake: Doesn't look like it.

Jake: [not recognizing Melanie in her sunglasses] Can I help you?
Melanie Carmichael: Well, for starters, you can get your stubborn ass down here and give me a divorce.
Jake: You're shittin' me, right?
Melanie Carmichael: I never fully understood that expression, but no, I am not "shitting" you.

The only reason I ain't signing is cause you've turned into some hoity-toity Yankee bitch, and I'd like nothing better right now than to piss you off.


Stella: You know for someone whose been holding onto something for so long, you're pretty quick to let it go.
Jake: I can't control her, any more than I can control the weather.

Anybody see 'Battle of the 80's has-beens' last night? That Debbie Gibson can take a punch.

Alex Fletcher

You can take the girl out of the honky tonk, but you can't take the honky tonk out of the girl.

Bobby Ray

The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back.

Melanie Carmichael

Well, you must be Jake's hot date. I'm Melanie, Jake's snotty Yankee bitch wife whom he refuses to divorce.

Melanie Carmichael

Lisa Houseman: God, I'm so sick of this rain. Remind me never to take my honeymoon at Niagara Falls.
Marjorie Houseman: So, you go to Acapulco.

You're the first boy I ever kissed, Jake, and I want you to be the last.

Melanie Carmichael

Well, aren't you just a big fat liar.

Bobby Ray

[C.D is helping Roxanne move her extremely heavy telescope up a huge flight of stairs at the back of her house] You know, my aunt once knitted one of these, it was a lot lighter.

C.D. Bales

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