Melanie Carmichael: [of Bryant the dog] Can he swim?
Jake: Doesn't look like it.

Jake: [not recognizing Melanie in her sunglasses] Can I help you?
Melanie Carmichael: Well, for starters, you can get your stubborn ass down here and give me a divorce.
Jake: You're shittin' me, right?
Melanie Carmichael: I never fully understood that expression, but no, I am not "shitting" you.

The only reason I ain't signing is cause you've turned into some hoity-toity Yankee bitch, and I'd like nothing better right now than to piss you off.

Jake

Stella: You know for someone whose been holding onto something for so long, you're pretty quick to let it go.
Jake: I can't control her, any more than I can control the weather.

Annie, when you're attracted to someone, it just means that your subconscious is attracted to their subconscious, subconsciously. So what we think of as fate is just two neuroses knowing that they are a perfect match.

Dennis Reed

Jim: Heard you're tough.
C.D. Bales: I am. But if you used a little tenderizer, I might cook up pretty good.

The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back.

Melanie Carmichael

Well, you must be Jake's hot date. I'm Melanie, Jake's snotty Yankee bitch wife whom he refuses to divorce.

Melanie Carmichael

You married your *cousin*?

Andrew

You're the first boy I ever kissed, Jake, and I want you to be the last.

Melanie Carmichael

[C.D. is helping Chris with his first letter to Roxanne]
C.D. Bales: Let's take a look at that letter...
Chris McConnell: I think it's really good!
C.D. Bales: "Dear Roxanne, how's it going? Want to have a drink sometime? If you do, check this box."

Well, aren't you just a big fat liar.

Bobby Ray

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