You're firing me, you don't even pay me!Jake Hardin
Jake Hardin: [sees Ashley put in one side of the light bulb] Oh see. She should've turned the light off because now she's going to be...
Ashley Albright: [light sparks] AAAAAAAAAA!
Jake Hardin: ...electrocuted.
Dixie: What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
C.D. Bales: Huh?
Dixie: It's a riddle. What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
C.D. Bales: I don't know.
Dixie: A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
C.D. Bales: What's the point?
Dixie: The point is that sometimes the answer is so obvious, you don't even realize it. It's as plain as the nose on your face. You should tell her!
C.D. Bales: Tell who, what?
Dixie: Tell Roxanne that you love her.
Jim: Heard you're tough.
C.D. Bales: I am. But if you used a little tenderizer, I might cook up pretty good.
[C.D. is helping Chris with his first letter to Roxanne]
C.D. Bales: Let's take a look at that letter...
Chris McConnell: I think it's really good!
C.D. Bales: "Dear Roxanne, how's it going? Want to have a drink sometime? If you do, check this box."
Well, if I do change my mind, you'll know because my breasts will be heaving and moist with perspiration.Roxanne Kowalski
Roxanne Kowalski: By the way, I named the comet.
C.D. Bales: Oh yeah, oh yeah, good ol' Comet Kowalski.
Roxanne Kowalski: No, Comet Charlie.
C.D. Bales: Oh, hey... that's nice.
Roxanne Kowalski: Yeah, it's my dad's name.
C.D. Bales: Oh... oh. Well, he'll be so happy.
[C.D is helping Roxanne move her extremely heavy telescope up a huge flight of stairs at the back of her house] You know, my aunt once knitted one of these, it was a lot lighter.C.D. Bales
[after Roxanne shows up naked outside the firehouse]
Trent: Who's at the door?
C.D. Bales: Someone locked out of their house.
Andy: Need any help, chief?
C.D. Bales: Nah, it looks pretty boring, I'll handle it.
Roxanne Kowalski: So why did you say those things?
C.D. Bales: Tell her you were afraid.
Chris McConnell: Because I was afraid.
Roxanne Kowalski: Of me? Afraid of what?
C.D. Bales: Tell her you were afraid of words.
Chris McConnell: What?
C.D. Bales: Words.
Chris McConnell: Because I was afraid of worms, Roxanne! Worms!
C.D. Bales: Do you know the phrase carpe diem?
Chris McConnell: It's, it's fish, fish bait, right?
Roxanne Kowalski: Just get out! Go on, get out!
C.D. Bales: Wait a second, I am out. You get in!
Roxanne Kowalski: No, get out!
C.D. Bales: Get in. Go on, get off the porch. Go on get off the porch.