I have nothing against cute. I just wish I could meet someone with half a brain this time.

Roxanne Kowalski

Chris McConnell: [after Chris accidentally insults C.D.'s nose] Aren't you going to kill me? The guys said...
C.D. Bales: Oh, ordinarily, yeah, but not today.
Chris McConnell: How come?
C.D. Bales: Because yesterday... she doesn't. But today... she does.
[They laugh together, as the guys come back in]
Chuck: So you finally got a sense of humor about your nose.
[C.D. grabs his tie and slams him against the wall, causing the guys to run out again]

Roxanne Kowalski: You know, I've been thinking about what attracted me to Chris. It wasn't the way he looked. Well, that's not true, at first it was the way he looked. But it was how he made me feel. He made me feel romantic, intelligent, feminine. But it wasn't him doing that, was it? It was you. You and your nose, Charlie. You have a big nose! You have a beautiful, great big, flesh-and-bone nose! I love your nose! I love your nose, Charlie. I love you, Charlie.
[he stares]
Roxanne Kowalski: Well?
C.D. Bales: Are you kidding?
[he somersaults off the roof of the house]

Ralston: Man, whatever you do, don't stare.
Chris McConnell: Look, I'm not gonna stare, come on.
Jerry: None of us would. But you get there, and you feel yourself not staring.
Ralston: Then you think, "it's obvious I'm not staring." So you look, and you think, "I'm staring." So you say, "this is ridiculous," and you take a GOOD LOOK. And you think, "I'm looking at a man who, when he washes his face, loses the bar of soap."
Chris McConnell: [laughs] Thanks guys, all right.
Ralston: Don't say we didn't warn you.

I would rather be with the people of this town than with the finest people in the world.

Mayor Deebs

C.D. Bales: [to two drunks that have just made fun of his nose] I really admire your shoes.
Drunk #1: What?
C.D. Bales: I love your shoes.
Drunk #2: What do ya mean?
C.D. Bales: And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be IN your shoes at this particular time and place.

Patrick: [with a mouth full of sample wedding cake] This cake is fantastic!
Emma: Shh. Please...
Patrick: You mix these two together, it tastes just like a ring-ding.
Emma: [Patrick shoves a fork of cake in her face] No. No, no.
Patrick: Ah!
Emma: No.
Patrick: Ah!
Emma: [she accepts the forkful of cake] it was yummy.
Patrick: It's super-duper.

April: You and me, it'd kinda be like cats and dogs.
Will Hayes: Oil and water.
April: Sand paper and bare ass.
Will Hayes: That's gross.

This song is an excellent cure for the will to live.

Will Hayes

Gerry Kennedy: Look, Holly, people have babies with no money all the time. and if you're so worried about it
[picks up Holly's boot]
Gerry Kennedy: , why don't you stop buying designer clothes, huh?
Holly Kennedy: I buy EVERYTHING on E-bay! It doesn't count when you're wearing
[grabs her boot out Gerry's hand]
Holly Kennedy: Marc Jacobs from Minneapolis!

Leprechaun: Are you Holly Kennedy?
Holly Kennedy: If I am will you sing at me?
Leprechaun: Yes.
Holly Kennedy: No, I'm not.
Leprechaun: I could get reported!
Holly Kennedy

Maya Hayes: What's a threesome?
Will Hayes: It's a game, that adults play sometimes... When they're bored.
Maya Hayes: ...Whatever.

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