Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, what about you?
Sherman Schrader: Well, B, I'm glad you asked actually, cuz since were going to prison, I wanna learn how to carve a shank out of my toothbrush.

Hoyt Ambrose: You want me to give you something funny to laugh about?
Bartleby Gaines: You mean funnier than your future alcohol abuse?

Bartleby Gaines: Glen since when have you been working at the kwik and stop?
Glen: since I got boned HARD by every college I applied to
Bartleby Gaines: why what happened?
Glen: some political crap I got a zero on my SAT's.
Sherman Schrader: you do know you get 600 points just for signing your name right?

Girl: Can you sign a copy of your book for me. I got it on ebay.
Uncle Ben: They sell my shit on ebay?
Guy: You wrote a book?
Uncle Ben: Yeah, that was back when I was drinking.

Sherman Schrader: It was your idea to put "acceptance is just one click away"
Bartleby Gaines: Yeah put it as "one click away" but you don't make it clickable!

Sherman Schrader: [screams loudly and high-pitched]
Bartleby Gaines: Schrader what the hell?
Sherman Schrader: It would be really cool if you guys didn't tell anyone I scream like that...

Bartleby Gaines: Remember that time we had to steal my mom's birth control pills?
Sherman Schrader: Yeah, and then Lizzie was born.
Bartleby Gaines: It's worse than that.

Sherman Schrader: Right, you date Monica Morlan
Hoyt Ambrose: That I do
Sherman Schrader: Right, I think of her while I masturb...

Bartleby Gaines: What the hell happened?
Glen: An explosion of flavor. I'm working with some very unstable herbs.

Bartleby Gaines: Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?
Uncle Ben: Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that their gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!
Jack Gaines: I... I,I, I just don't understand...
Uncle Ben: DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...
Bartleby Gaines: Holy Shit...
Jack Gaines: ...Which is?
Uncle Ben: ...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
Jack Gaines: Couldn't agree more.
Diane Gaines: So refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!
Uncle Ben: Fuckin A'!

Bartleby Gaines: Hey Shrad, do you know any places up near Harmon we can rent?
Sherman Schrader: Oh, yeah I do, actually. I carry around a list with me at all times of abandoned buildings for fake colleges.

Sherman Schrader: Who was that?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh, that's our mascot
Sherman Schrader: A sandwich? You're the SHIT Sandwiches?

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Accepted Quotes

Bartleby Gaines: Why'd you get fired?
Glen: I got fired for making a shrimp slushy.
Bartleby Gaines: That's disgusting! Why would you do that pal?
Glen: 'Cause I was hungry and thirsty!

I'm going off the grid. No more Franchises, no more botox, no more "Hey, oh, lets clone another goat," and certainly no more sexual harassment lawsuits, what's wrong with saying "Hey, nice tits." When did that go out the window?

Uncle Ben