Lester Burnham: I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up. Fast.
Jim Olmeyer: Are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want increased strength and flexibility as well?
Lester Burnham: I wanna look good naked!

Brad: [reading Lester's job assessment] "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." Well, you have absolutely no interest in saving yourself.
Lester Burnham: Brad, for 14 years I've been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.

Carolyn Burnham: My husband, Lester.
Buddy Kane: It's a pleasure.
Lester Burnham: Oh, we've met before, actually. This thing last year, Christmas at the Sheraton...
Buddy Kane: [pretends to remember] Oh yeah, yes...
Lester Burnham: It's okay, I wouldn't remember me either.
Carolyn Burnham: Honey, don't be weird.

Lester Burnham: I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain.
Carolyn Burnham: Oh, you don't complain? Then I must be psychotic, then! What is this? Yeah, let's bring in the laugh-meter and see how loud it gets.
Lester Burnham: [throws the asparagus plate at the wall] Don't interrupt me, honey! Oh, yeah, and one more thing, from now on we're going to have alternate dinner music because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - I'm getting tired of this Lawrence Welk shit.

Colonel Frank Fitts: Where did you get that?
Ricky Fitts: From my job.
Colonel Frank Fitts: Don't lie to me. Now, I saw you with him.
Ricky Fitts: You were watching me?

This is my first time.

Angela Hayes

You ungrateful little brat! Just look at everything you have. When I was your age, we lived in a duplex! We didn't even have our own house!

Carolyn Burnham

Lester Burnham: Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's.
Carolyn Burnham: [stunned] Uh, Buddy, this is my...
Lester Burnham: Her husband. We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time.

Colonel Frank Fitts: Boy, don't start.
Ricky Fitts: Two thousand dollars - I'm that good.
Colonel Frank Fitts: Get out.
Ricky Fitts: And you should see me fuck. I'm the best piece of ass in three States.
Colonel Frank Fitts: Get out. I don't ever want to see you again.
Ricky Fitts: What a sad old man you are.

Lester Burnham: Then I guess I'll have to throw in a sexual harassment charge.
Brad: Against who?
Lester Burnham: Against you. Can you prove that you didn't offer to save my job if I let you blow me?
Brad: Man, you are one twisted fuck.
Lester Burnham: No, Brad. I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.

Welcome to America's weirdest home videos.

Ricky Fitts

Look at me, jerking off in the shower... This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here.

Lester Burnham

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American Beauty Quotes

Angela Hayes: Jane, he's a freak!
Jane Burnham: Then so am I! And we'll always be freaks and we'll never be like other people and you'll never be a freak because you're just too... perfect!

Buddy Kane: You like getting fucked by the King?
Carolyn Burnham: Fuck me, your majesty!