Catwoman: We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.
The Penguin: Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me... naked sexual charisma.
Catwoman: Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.
The Penguin: Ointment! Scented or unscented?

Alfred: Why are you still up? Are you concerned about that strange, heroic Penguin person?
Batman: I think he knows who his parents are. There's something else.

Catwoman: It's chilly in here.
The Penguin: I'll warm you.

Catwoman: Oh... I would love to live with you in your castle forever... like in a fairy tale...
[Batman caresses the back of her head]
Catwoman: [she claws Batman on the cheek] But I just couldn't live with myself, so don't pretend this is a happy ending!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: So he survived. What's the worst that could happen?
The Penguin: He didn't even lose a limb! An eyeball! Bladder control!

Catwoman: I thought you were just going to scare the Ice Princess.
The Penguin: She looked pretty scared to me!

Josh: There's probably not a lot of reflective surfaces in the sewer.
[He chuckles and the Penguin joins in]
The Penguin: Still... it could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.
[They both laugh again]
Josh: Your nose could be gushing... what do you mean...
[the Penguin bites Josh's nose]

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with only the minimum of fuss!
[he starts to move away, but Catwoman captures him with her whip and pulls him close]
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Money, jewels, a VERY big ball of string
Catwoman: Your blood, Max!
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: My blood, I gave, at the office
Catwoman: A half pint... I'm talking gallons
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Let's make a deal, other than my blood. What can I do for you?
Catwoman: Sorry, Max, a die for a die!

The Penguin: You're coming with me, Mr. Chip Shreck, to die!
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Not Chip! Please! If you have one shred of human decency in you, you'll take me instead.
The Penguin: I don't, so no.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Come on, aren't I the one you want? Max Shreck, the guy you really want to see immersed up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
The Penguin: ...Okay, you got a point. I'll let the little prince live.

The Penguin: By the way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Fred? I believe he's... on extended vacation. He's good.
The Penguin: Good?
[Penguin takes out a severed hand]
The Penguin: Hi, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any other body parts? Remember, Max. You flush it. I flaunt it.

The Penguin: Check it out. We're going to disassemble the Batmobile - turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.
Catwoman: No, he'd have even more power as a martyr. To destroy Batman, we have to turn him into what he hates the most. Namely us.

Selina Kyle: Wow, THE Batman - or is it just "Batman"? It's your choice, of course!
[Batman walks away]
Selina Kyle: Well, that was brief. Just like all the men in my life.

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Batman Returns Quotes

The Penguin: Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.
Batman: You're not the mayor.
The Penguin: Things change.

Selina Kyle: Wow, THE Batman - or is it just "Batman"? It's your choice, of course!
[Batman walks away]
Selina Kyle: Well, that was brief. Just like all the men in my life.