[drunk, he sees a fake a penguin] It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around. I gotta send you back to the South Pole.

Billy Madison: Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.
[Notices gold swan on edge of tub]
Billy Madison: Stop looking at me, swa

Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy Madison: OOH. That is the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go.

Billy Madison: [shouting] Where's my snack pack?
Juanita: You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack.

Hey, you wanna go feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?


No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.

Billy Madison: I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison: Oh my God. I'll go to school.

No milk will ever be our milk.

Veronica Vaughn

Oh Veronica Vaughn! So hot! Want to touch the hiney! Arrroooooooo!

Billy-Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.

Kid: Mortal Kombat, on Sega Genesis, is the best video game ever.
Billy Madison: I disagree, it's a very good game, but i think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.
Kid: Donkey Kong sucks.
Billy Madison: You know something? YOU SUCK!

Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

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Billy Madison Quotes

Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Carl: I'm sorry.
Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?

Oh Veronica Vaughn! So hot! Want to touch the hiney! Arrroooooooo!

Billy Madison