Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

[drunk, he sees a fake a penguin] It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around. I gotta send you back to the South Pole.

Billy-Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.

Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Carl: I'm sorry.
Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?

Oh Veronica Vaughn! So hot! Want to touch the hiney! Arrroooooooo!

Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.
Billy Madison: Lady, you're scaring us.

Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy Madison: OOH. That is the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go.

Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy Madison: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?
Frank: 1974.
Billy Madison: Meg Ryan.

Kid: Mortal Kombat, on Sega Genesis, is the best video game ever.
Billy Madison: I disagree, it's a very good game, but i think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.
Kid: Donkey Kong sucks.
Billy Madison: You know something? YOU SUCK!

[scolding Billy in the hallway] Making fun of a kid for trying to read! Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?

Veronica Vaughn

Brian Madison: Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade? Rock: r-o-k?
Billy Madison: Yeah, so what's your point?
Brian Madison: r-o-C-k!
Billy Madison: Ohhh yeh! The c is silent.

Hey, you wanna go feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?

Frank

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Billy Madison Quotes

Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Carl: I'm sorry.
Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?

Oh Veronica Vaughn! So hot! Want to touch the hiney! Arrroooooooo!

Billy Madison