Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and... I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news
[breaks wind]
Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies. Bulla blah, bulla blabity bulla bla
[rapid unitelligible gibberish]
Evan Baxter: Blabity blab bulla blah
[explosive gibberish]
Evan Baxter: [continues for 35 seconds]
[vaguely Chinese]
Evan Baxter: Kaa kaa poo poo. PEE PEE
[nervous laugh]

Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit
[choked off]
Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow
[unintelligible chicken squawking]
Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck.
Director: Someone get him some water please.
Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.
Evan Baxter: [clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.

Bruce: Is this heaven?
God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.
[pause]
Bruce: I'm *dead*?
God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya.
Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is *not* funny.

Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don't like it? Megabyte me.

Is your child in dire jeopardy? Find out tonight, after the game.

Evan Baxter

First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?

God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.
God: Now THAT'S a prayer.

Behind every great man... is a woman rolling her eyes.

Bruce: How do you make so many people love you without affecting Free Will?
God: [snorts] Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.

I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!

God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.

People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is that they have the power. You want to see a miracle? Be the miracle.

God

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Bruce Almighty Quotes

God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.
God: Now THAT'S a prayer.

God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.

Bruce