I got to rent movies, fuck with assholes, and hang out with my best friend, Dante.

Randal Graves

... I got nothing.

Silent Bob

May your first child be a masculine child!

Randal Graves

You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form... and fuck it. People would be like, "There he goes. Homeboy fucked a Martian once."

Jay

What'd you do that for? You realize he just thinks you're trying to get him into a threeway with us now, don't you?

Dante Hicks

What's the point of having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look up weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'd never have yourself?

Randal Graves

Fuck off with your D&D GoBot bullshit.

Randal Graves

Randal Graves: Ladies and gentlemen, and you, Elias! Straight from the debauchery capital of the world, TI-juana Mexico!
Dante Hicks: Oh, God, no.
Randal Graves: Oh, God, yes!

I'm gonna kick your ass back to the Shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.

Hobbit Lover

Elias: If he's gonna jerk off, I'm gonna jerk off, too
Randal Graves: I don't think he's gonna jerk off.

Dante Hicks: Can you feel it?
Randal Graves: Feel what?
Dante Hicks: Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Randal Graves: You swung at me!
Dante Hicks: You ducked.
Randal Graves: Because you swung at me!

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Clerks II Quotes

May your first child be a masculine child!

Randal Graves

Randal Graves: Well I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom. What if a customer comes in and my jerkin' off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth?
Dante Hicks: The most likeliest of scenarios.