Favorite Clerks Quotes
I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.Jay
Randal Graves: So your argument is that title dictates behavior?
Dante Hicks: What?
Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me borrow your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?
Dante Hicks: Exactly.
Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent? "Best of Both Worlds"?
Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
Dante Hicks: And you rented this?
Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.
My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.Randal Graves
Caitlin Bree: Can I use the bathroom?
Randal Graves: Sure, but there's no light back there.
Caitlin Bree: Why aren't there any lights?
Randal Graves: Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night. Nobody can figure it out. And the boss doesn't want to pay the electrician to fix it, because the electrician owes money to the video store.
Caitlin Bree: Such a sordid state of affairs.
Randal Graves: And I'm caught right in the middle - torn between my loyalty to the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
Caitlin Bree: Well, I'll try to manage.
Randal Graves: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.
Randal Graves: If you break Dante's heart again, I'll kill you. Nothing personal.
Caitlin Bree: You sure are protective of Dante.
You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You-You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?Randal Graves
Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Graves: Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today."
Hey, we're closed.Randal Graves
Coroner: My only question is how did she come to have sex with the dead guy?
Dante Hicks: She thought it was me.
Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?
Dante Hicks: Who went back there?
Randal Graves: Nobody, I swear!
Caitlin Bree: I feel nauseous.
Dante Hicks: Are you sure there's somebody back there?
Caitlin Bree: Well I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ, I think I'm gonna be sick!
Randal Graves: You just fucked a total stranger?
Dante Hicks: Shut the fuck up!
Caitlin Bree: I can't believe this...
Dante Hicks: Call the police!
Caitlin Bree: No, don't!
Randal Graves: Why?
Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!
Randal Graves: But she said that she did all the work.
Dante Hicks: Would you shut the fuck up! Who the fuck's in our bathroom?
Dante Hicks: What'd you do that for?
Randal Graves: Two reasons: one, I hate when the people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante Hicks: Jesus!
Randal Graves: And two, to make a point: title does not dictate behavior. If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit a mouthful of water at that guy. But I did, so my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Hence, even though I'm a clerk in this video store, I choose to go rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante Hicks: You're a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell out of here.
Randal Graves: Oh, come on. You know I'm your hero.