Morty: [standing at Ted's, Michael's dad's, grave] He was a good man. I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't want to take him.
Michael Newman: What?
Morty: Michael, I'm an angel.
Michael Newman: I thought angels were supposed to protect people.
Morty: I'm the Angel of Death.

Morty: [Morty and Michael go back to the past to Michael's birth, Michael's parents were arguing if he had a penis or not] Your mom must've had a good eyesight cause I didnt see anything.
Michael Newman: Haha very funny.

Michael Newman: [trying to convince him to let the project be procrastinated so he can go camping] Three days? Couldn't I have a little more time for this project?
Ammer: Michael, our clients are Japanese. They can't wait for their fish to cook.

Morty: [while Michael is about to call him] Yes?
Michael Newman: [jumps back and lands on the table] You scared the...
Donna Newman: Honey, what's going on down there?
Michael Newman: I, uh, it was a mouse! It's dead, I killed it, it just broke the table first.

Michael Newman: You've gotta show me how you do the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy!
Ted: A good magician never reveals his secrets... however, if you invite us over for dinner more often...
Michael Newman: You can come over tomorrow night and the next night and the next night and whenever you want!

Michael Newman: Aunt Peggy, is that you? God, you got old.
[Peggy flicks her chin and gives him the arm, to the crowd]
Michael Newman: I'm just playing, she knows that.

Michael Newman: My schmeckel got bigger now that I'm older, just so you guys know that.
Trudy: It couldn't have gotten any smaller.
Ted: [Laughing] It looked like a litttle Tic Tac.
Michael Newman: Yeah, come, here, I'll freshen your breath.

Who wants to have a pillow fight?

Michael Newman

[scene after the dog humps toy duck] I have to sew the duck's head back on... and fix his butthole.

Donna Newman

I know it's deviant... but it's kinda turning me on.
[kisses Michael again]

Donna Newman

Michael Newman: [looking in a mirror] You look a little pale there, pal. Let me fix that.
Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to yellow] You're all yellow from the scurvy. Arr, captain.
Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to green] Grr... Don't get the Hulk angry. Raaaahrrr!
Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to purple] Oh, there's Barney.
[starts to sing]
Michael Newman: I love you, you love me, the jogger has giant boobies.

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Click Quotes

Michael Newman: [reading off letter] Like I Said, "Good Guys Need A Break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S. Your Wife's Rockin' Body Still Drives Me Crazy.
Michael Newman: Okay, Morty.
[Throws the universal remote into the bin]

Donna Newman: Will you still love me in the morning?
Michael Newman: Forever and ever, babe