Rita: Evan, what happened? Did you fall in a mine shaft? Did you just come out of a coma?
Evan Baxter: No.
Rita: Were you attacked by a werewolf?
Evan Baxter: No, I wasn't.

I am going to be SO pissed if it doesn't.

Evan Baxter

Chicken! September 22nd would be a good day for chicken!

Evan Baxter

Have you been shootin' up Rogaine?

Rita

God: I now issue a new commandment: Thou shalt do the dance.

Why do you sound like Evan but look like a Bee Gee?

Rita

[to Evan] I love you!... I mean, I think we should hang out socially... I have a new ping pong table.

Eugene

I can't even get my cat to use the litter box.

Rita

I want you, Evan Baxter, to build an ark.

God

Joan Baxter: You want to build a boat?
Evan Baxter: It might be something fun for the family. Go sailing on the lake. I don't know... it'd be great in case it floods or something.

Joan Baxter: Maybe God didn't mean a flood in the literal sense. Maybe he meant a flood of... awareness.
Evan Baxter: If that's true... I'm going to be so pissed.

People! The flood is imminent!

Evan Baxter

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Evan Almighty Quotes

[to the Heavens] Is it too much to ask for a LITTLE PRECIPITATION?

Evan Baxter

[to Evan] I love you!... I mean, I think we should hang out socially... I have a new ping pong table.

Eugene