Harold: I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.
Kumar: Dude, fuckin' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.

Harold: Back off cockboy, what I said him goes double for you.
J.D.: Cockboy, you just call me cockboy?
Harold: Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling cuz you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.
J.D.: You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well I got news for you. I am quick enough!... Cockboy!

Dr. Willoughby: Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?
Kumar: No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.
Dr. Willoughby: But you have perfect MCAT scores!
Kumar: Yeeeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.

Kumar: I forgot my cell phone.
Harold: You wanna run back and get it?
[both turn and look at their front door 20 feet from them]
Kumar: No, we've gone too far.

Freakshow: What the hell are you doing with my wife?
Harold: Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her!
Kumar: Shit! Shit!
Freakshow: I most certainly did not!
Harold: Yes you did!
Freakshow: Did not!
Kumar: Yes you did!
Freakshow: Oh, no, I didn't.
Kumar: You did, you did.
Freakshow: You sure...?
Harold: You said it!
Freakshow: [laughing] My mistake! Well, since we're all here... How 'bout a four-some?

Harold: [awakening from dream after being hit on head] What the hell are you doing? Gawd!
Kumar: You been out cold for the past half an hour. I figured maybe if I did some gay shit, you'd wake up.
Harold: If you did some gay shit? What kinda - where are we? Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?
Kumar: It ran away. Listen, forget about the cheetah, okay?

Kumar: So where you going to go now, Neil?
Neil Patrick Harris: [puts on sunglasses] Wherever God takes me!

Kumar: [about Doogie Howser, M.D] So, I gotta ask you Neil, did you ever get it on with Wanda off the set?
Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I humped every piece of ass ever on that show.
Kumar: Even the chick who played the hot nurse?
Neil Patrick Harris: No... I didn't go all the way with her.

Nathaniel Banks: "I was in bed. I didn't fire any gun. I swear."
Officer Palumbo: "Hey, Jackson's trying to escape!"
Tarik: "What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here."
Officer Martone: "He's trying to break free! Get him!"

Kumar: Hey, are the cops still here?
[cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park]
Harold: What the hell are you doing?
Kumar: I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.
Harold: Jesus Christ! What'd you do that for?
Kumar: I'm fucking starving! I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.

Kumar: [sniffs] Hey, what's that smell?
Harold: What smell? Kumar...
Kumar: [starts sniffing like a crazed bloodhound, and then sees a huge bag of marijuana, his eyes widen]
Harold: Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you...
[Kumar rushes to the bag of marijuana]
Harold: Kumar! Still in jail, asshole! Come here!

Officer Martone: [notices the jail door keys in the jail door, and Jackson sitting inside the cell reading a book] Hey, Jackson's trying to escape!
Tarik: What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here.
Officer Reilly: He's trying to break free! Get him!
Tarik: Aw, shit.
[gets up and spread eagles on the cell wall, while still holding the book in one hand]
Officer Martone: Don't move. Stop resisting! We need back up now! He's got a gun!
Tarik: That's not a gun, that's a book.
Officer Reilly: Secure the book!
Officer Palumbo: Book is secure. You bring this filth
[book is on human rights]
Officer Palumbo: in here? What is this shit?

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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle Quotes

Officer Palumbo: What kind of name is that anyhow? Kumar? What is that five o's or two u's?
Kumar: No, it's actually one "u"
Officer Palumbo: Yeah... bullshit.

Bullets - my only weakness! How did you know?

Officer Palumbo