Forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are.

Maya

Man cannot live on porn alone.

Maya

Bart: If Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling.
Ollie: Gertie can't see anything, Dad. She's dead.
Bart: That's right, she is. But you aint. And neither is that kid.

My Mum says my Dad has brown eyes because he is full of shit.

Boy

Will Smith: 'Ey, you Brickman?
Ollie: No. I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid.

Will Smith: What's your daughter's name?
Ollie: Gertrude.
Will Smith: Damn why'd you do that man?

Isn't that cute? It's 8 o'clock and you both get a bottle.

Ollie

Ollie: No, that's okay, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean?
Bart: Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off.
Ollie: That juice is called grease, dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.
Bart: It's called juice. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.

Gertie: Did mommy like New York?
Ollie: Yeah, she loved it.
Gertie: Then I guess I will too.

Bart: You know, you really had me scared for a moment there.
Ollie: Aww, who knew. All these years you were nursing a little stage fright!
Bart: Not that smart ass.

Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest, that's just delayed common sense!

Ollie

Teacher: Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means. Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family. Who they...
Teacher: [class: "Are!"] And what they...
Teacher: [class: "Mean to us!"] Excellent droning.

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Jersey Girl Quotes

Gertie: I hate you! I hate you! I wish you died, not Mommy!
Ollie: I hate you right back you little shit! You and your mom took my life away from me. I just want it back!

Teacher: Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means. Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family. Who they...
Teacher: [class: "Are!"] And what they...
Teacher: [class: "Mean to us!"] Excellent droning.