Forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are.

Maya

Ollie: Come on, Dad. Don't you wanna live alone again?
Bart: Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.

Maya: I do it at least twice a day.
Ollie: Good God!

Gertrude Steiney: You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's gonna be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there!
Ollie: That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey.
Gertrude Steiney: [crying] I wanna be a coked-out whore!

Try acting like a father, shithead.

Bart

Okay, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.

Boy

George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex." Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?

Ollie

Ollie: Do you have any questions about what you saw?
Gertie: [thinking hard] Do you have what Brian has?
Ollie: Yes.
Gertie: [thinking hard] Is it as big as his?
Ollie: Sadly, yes.

"Cats" is the second worst thing that ever happened to New York City.

Ollie

That was kinda sweet. I'm kinda crushin' on you right now, Trinke.

Maya

Bart: Sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.
Greenie: You gettin' a dog?

Gertie: I hate you! I hate you! I wish you died, not Mommy!
Ollie: I hate you right back you little shit! You and your mom took my life away from me. I just want it back!

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Jersey Girl Quotes

Gertie: I hate you! I hate you! I wish you died, not Mommy!
Ollie: I hate you right back you little shit! You and your mom took my life away from me. I just want it back!

Teacher: Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means. Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family. Who they...
Teacher: [class: "Are!"] And what they...
Teacher: [class: "Mean to us!"] Excellent droning.