Claudia: It must be hard to spank your monkey.
Ishmael: You have a monkey?

Ishmael: Whatcha doin', Mr. Munson?
Roy: Flossin'.
Ishmael: Flossin? Where the hell did I get "Munson"?
Roy: The name's Munson, what I'm doin' is flossin'.

Ishmael: You should try to quit. They say its bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.
Roy: Who's done more research than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say its harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.

Roy: Just because you're familiar with the missionary position doesn't make you a missionary.
Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you're not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across.
Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?

Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have?
Roy: None that I know of. I mean, I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy.

Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson?
Roy: I don't puke when I drink. I puke when I don't.

ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years?
Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh... Drinking. Lot a drinking.
ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking?
Roy: No. I uh... I put... uh... Why, you buying?

Neighbor: Hey Roy, can you get sick from drinking piss?
Roy: I think you can.
Neighbor: Even if its your own?

Some of the dresses ya' got, ya' need two hairdos to wear.

Roy

Roy: How about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the the novelty machine in the men's room? I mean, those are fun even when you're alone. We're talkin' the hula hoop of the nineties.
Lancaster Bowl Manager: Look, I've told you. We don't need nuthin'. We don't even have a novelty machine in the men's room anymore.
Roy: And you call yourselves a bowling alley?

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Kingpin Quotes

Ernie McCracken: It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he's the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He's got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.
Roy: Hey. Do you mind? I wasn't talking when you were bowling.
Ernie McCracken: Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.

You're on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

Ernie McCracken