Oops. That's not your vagina. That's your asshole.

Female Doctor

Alison Scott: I'm sorry I told you to fuck your bong.
Ben Stone: It's okay... I didn't.

Fuck you hormones!

Ben Stone

Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck - it's dangerous.


Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: With a baby?

Alison Scott: Hey...
Ben Stone: I'm naked.
Alison Scott: Yeah.
Ben Stone: Did we have sex?
Alison Scott: Yes.
Ben Stone: Nice.

He has man boobs. That means he has bad jeans.


[during earthquake] FUCK ME!

Ben Stone

[to Alison] Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?


[to bartender] You're going to be embarrassed when you realize I'm Wilmer Valderrama.

Ben Stone

Pete: You mean like Mr. Skin?
Ben Stone: Who's Mr. Skin?
Pete: You know, Mr. Skin.

[to Alison] I'm sorry I'm sweating on you...

Ben Stone

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Knocked Up Quotes

You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother... Gabe Ruth.


Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' loose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!