Gretta: And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son.
Fletcher: Oh, I'm such a shit!

Fletcher: You lied about your age to make yourself older, but why would any woman WANNA DO THAT?
Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!

It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue.

Judge Stevens

Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements; size, color, frequency, I"LL CALL YA LATER!

Fletcher

Audrey, good news, both my legs are broken so they can't take me straight to jail.

Fletcher

Miranda: Ummm that was incredible. Was it good for you?
Fletcher: I've had better.

Fletcher: Is this guy right for you? I mean, he's just so, not me!
Audrey: Yes, that's one of his best qualities.
Fletcher: Yeah, but he's kind of, magoo... I'm sorry.
Audrey: You're wrong! I mean, sometimes, maybe yes, he is a litte bit...
Fletcher: Magoo!
Audrey: Yes.

[having farted in an elevator] It was me!

Fletcher

Greta, please! I'm on my knees in a $900 suit.

Fletcher

Mr. Reede, I'm tired and very cranky!

Judge Stevens

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Liar, Liar Quotes

Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
Judge: Why?
Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!
Judge: Overruled.
Fletcher: Good call!

[having farted in an elevator] It was me!

Fletcher