It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue.

Judge Stevens

Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements; size, color, frequency, I"LL CALL YA LATER!

Fletcher

Audrey, good news, both my legs are broken so they can't take me straight to jail.

Fletcher

Miranda: Ummm that was incredible. Was it good for you?
Fletcher: I've had better.

Fletcher: Is this guy right for you? I mean, he's just so, not me!
Audrey: Yes, that's one of his best qualities.
Fletcher: Yeah, but he's kind of, magoo... I'm sorry.
Audrey: You're wrong! I mean, sometimes, maybe yes, he is a litte bit...
Fletcher: Magoo!
Audrey: Yes.

[having farted in an elevator] It was me!

Fletcher

Mr. Reede, I'm tired and very cranky!

Judge Stevens

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, do we have a setlement?
Fletcher: Noooo!

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!
Fletcher: I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me!
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and *speeding*!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets.
[groans]
Fletcher: ... be gentle.

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Liar, Liar Quotes

Jerry: I love you!
Audrey: Thank you
Jerry: Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for...
Audrey: Thank you very much?

[having farted in an elevator] It was me!

Fletcher