Jerry: I love you!
Audrey: Thank you
Jerry: Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for...
Audrey: Thank you very much?

Greta, please! I'm on my knees in a $900 suit.

Fletcher

Max Reede: Is wrestling real?
Fletcher: In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, do we have a setlement?
Fletcher: Noooo!

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!
Fletcher: I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me!
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and *speeding*!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets.
[groans]
Fletcher: ... be gentle.

Mr. Reede, I'm tired and very cranky!

Judge Stevens

Jane: Do you like my new dress?
Fletcher: What ever takes the focus off your head!

Fletcher: [Fletcher is trying to convince Greta to believe her about Max's wish]
Fletcher: You don't believe me, do you?
Greta: Of course not
Fletcher: [laughs dryly] Hahaha. How ironic. Okay, ask me something. Ask me something which you think I lied about.
Greta: Okay. Remember a few months' back when I asked you about a raise...?
Fletcher: Forget it. I don't wanna do this!

The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!

Fletcher

Max Reede: If I keep making this face... will it get stuck that way?
Fletcher: Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.

[having farted in an elevator] It was me!

Fletcher

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Liar, Liar Quotes

Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
Judge: Why?
Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!
Judge: Overruled.
Fletcher: Good call!

[having farted in an elevator] It was me!

Fletcher