Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements; size, color, frequency, I"LL CALL YA LATER!


Audrey, good news, both my legs are broken so they can't take me straight to jail.


Fletcher: Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? I *object*, Your Honor, and I move to strike!
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick!

Fletcher: Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?
Audrey: No - I divorced you because I was mad at you.

Miranda: Ummm that was incredible. Was it good for you?
Fletcher: I've had better.

Fletcher: Is this guy right for you? I mean, he's just so, not me!
Audrey: Yes, that's one of his best qualities.
Fletcher: Yeah, but he's kind of, magoo... I'm sorry.
Audrey: You're wrong! I mean, sometimes, maybe yes, he is a litte bit...
Fletcher: Magoo!
Audrey: Yes.

[having farted in an elevator] It was me!


Mr. Reede, I'm tired and very cranky!

Judge Stevens

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, do we have a setlement?
Fletcher: Noooo!

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!
Fletcher: I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?

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Liar, Liar Quotes

The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!


Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
Judge: Why?
Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!
Judge: Overruled.
Fletcher: Good call!