You're not funny, Tom. You're fat, and look as though you should be, but you're not.

Soap

Eddie: They're armed.
Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Eddie: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!

Dog: I'll find you... I'll find you.
Bacon: 'Course you will sweetheart!
[Ties Dog's hands behind him]
Dog: I'll find you.
Bacon: What d'you think this is? Fucking hide and seek?

We grow copious amounts of ganja here, and you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist.

Winston

Eddie: Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Soap: Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Tom: Soap, is there something we should know about you?
Bacon: I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.

Barry the Baptist: Hello son, would you like a lolly?
Little Chris: Piss off, you nonce!

When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop.

Barry the Baptist

Gary: Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?
Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot.

I don't want to know who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets.

"Hatchet" Harry

[haggling with Tom]
Nick the Greek: What else does it come with?
Tom: It comes with a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it.

It's been emotional.

Big Chris

Plank: Ah! They fucking shot me!
Dog: Well, fucking shoot 'em back!

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Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Quotes

When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop.

Barry the Baptist

Barry the Baptist: Fucking northern monkeys!
Lenny: I hate these fucking southern fairies!