Narrator: In the New York Herald, November 26, year 1911, there is an account of the hanging of three men. They died for the murder of Sir Edmund William Godfrey; Husband, Father, Pharmacist and all around gentle-man resident of: Greenberry Hill, London. He was murdered by three vagrants whose motive was simple robbery. They were identified as: Joseph Green, Stanley Berry, and Daniel Hill. Green, Berry, Hill. And I Would Like To Think This was Only A Matter Of Chance. As reported in the Reno Gazzette, June of 1983 there is the story of a fire, the water that it took to contain the fire, and a scuba diver named Delmer Darion. Employee of the Peppermill Hotel and Casino, Reno, Nevada. Engaged as a blackjack dealer. Well liked and well regarded as a physical, recreational and sporting sort, Delmer's true passion was for the lake. As reported by the coroner, Delmer died of a heart attack somewhere between the lake and the tree. A most curious side note is the suicide the next day of Craig Hansen. Volunteer firefighter, estranged father of four and a poor tendency to drink. Mr. Hansen was the pilot of the plane that quite accidentally lifted Delmer Darion out of the water. Added to this, Mr. Hansen's tortured life met before with Delmer Darion just two nights previous. The weight of the guilt and the measure of coincidence so large, Craig Hansen took his life. And I Am Trying To Think This Was All Only A Matter Of Chance. The tale told at a 1961 awards dinner for the American Association Of Forensic Science by Dr. Donald Harper, president of the association, began with a simple suicide attempt. Seventeen year old Sydney Barringer. In the city of Los Angeles on March 23, 1958. The coroner ruled that the unsuccessful suicide had suddenly become a successful homicide. To explain: The suicide was confirmed by a note, left in the breast pocket of Sydney Barringer. At the same time young Sydney stood on the ledge of this nine story building, an argument swelled three stories below. The neighbors heard, as they usually did, the arguing of the tenants and it was not uncommon for them to threaten each other with a shotgun, or one of the many handguns kept in the house. And when the shotgun accidentaly went off, Sydney just happend to pass. Added to this, the two tenants turned out to be: Fay and Arthur Barringer. Sydney's mother and Sydney's father. When confronted with the charge, which took some figuring out for the officers on the scene of the crime, Fay Barringer swore that she did not know that the gun was loaded. A young boy who lived in the building, sometimes a visitor and friend to Sydney Barringer said that he had seen, six days prior the loading of the shotgun. It seems that the arguing and the fighting and all of the violence was far too much for Sydney Barringer and knowing his mother and father's tendency to fight, he decided to do something. Sydney Barringer jumps from the ninth floor rooftop. His parents argue three stories below. Her accidental shotgun blast hits Sydney in the stomach as he passes the arguing sixth floor window. He is killed instantly but continues to fall, only to find, three stories below, a safety net installed three days prior for a set of window washers that would have broken his fall and saved his life if not for the hole in his stomach. So Fay Barringer was charged with the murder of her son and Sydney Barringer noted as an accomplice in his own death. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just "Something That Happened." This cannot be "One of those things...” This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance. Ohhhh. These strange things happen all the time.

I love you, Brad - Brad the bartender. You wanna love me back? I'll be good to you.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith

The book says, "We might be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

Jimmy Gator

This fucking lie... it's so fucking hard, so long! Life ain't short, it's long, it's long, God damn it!

Earl Partridge

Respect the cock! And tame the cunt! Tame it! Take it on headfirst with the skills that I will teach you at work and say no! You will not control me! No! You will not take my soul! No! You will not win this game! Because it's a game, guys. You want to think it's not, huh? You want to think it's not? Go back to the schoolyard and you have that crush on big-titted Mary Jane. Respect the cock. You are embedding this thought. I am the one who's in charge. I am the one who says yes! No! Now! Here! Because it's universal, man. It is evolutional. It is anthropological. It is biological. It is animal. We... are... men!

Frank T.J. Mackey

Phil Parma: Do you know that every other word you use is either 'shit', 'fuck', 'balls' or 'cocksucker'?
Earl Partridge: Could you do me a personal favor?
Phil Parma: Go fuck myself?
Earl Partridge: You got it.

In this big game that we play, life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve, it's what you take. I'm Frank T.J. Mackey, a master of the muffin and author of the Seduce and Destroy system now available to you on video and audio cassette. Seduce and Destroy will teach you the techniques to have any hardbody blonde just dripping to wet your dock. Bottom line? Language. The magical key to unlocking the female analytical mindset. Tap directly into her hopes, her wants, her fears, her desires, and her sweet little panties. Learn how to make that lady "friend" your sex-starved servant. I don't care how you look. I don't care what car you drive. I don't care what your last bank statement says. Seduce and Destroy produces an instant money-back guarantee trance-like state that will get you this - naughty sauce you want fast. Hey - how many more times do you need to hear the all-too-famous line of 'I just don't feel that way about you?'

Frank T.J. Mackey

Now that I've met you, would you object to never seeing me again?

Claudia Wilson Gator

I have so much love to give, I just don't know where to put it.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith

Claudia Wilson Gator: It's not / What you thought / When you first began it / You got / What you want / Now you can hardly stand it though / By now you know / It's not going to stop
Jim Kurring: It's not going to stop / It's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up
Jimmy Gator: You're sure / There's a cure / And you have finally found it
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: You think / One drink / Will shrink you 'til you're underground / And living down / But it's not going to stop
Phil Parma: It's not going to stop
Earl Partridge: It's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up
Linda Partridge: Prepare a list for what you need / Before you sign away the deed / 'Cause it's not going to stop
Frank T.J. Mackey: It's not going to stop / It's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up / No, it's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up / No, it's not going to stop
Stanley Spector: So just... give up.

Earl Partridge: Phil. Phil. Hey, come here. Come here. Uh... Phil. I'm... I'm gonna try... talk. I'm gonna try to say something-something. Do you know Lily, Phil? Do you know her? Lily?
Phil Parma: No, I don't.
Earl Partridge: Oh, she's my love, my life, love of it. Y'know. In school... I'm twelve years old, in school, in sixth grade. I saw her. I didn't go to that school, but... uh... we met. My friend knew her. I said, uh...”What's that girl? How's that Lily?" "Oh, she's bad. She sleeps with guys." Yeah, he said this, but then sometimes... I went to another school, you see. But then... when high school - at an end. What is that when it gets to the end?
Phil Parma: Graduation.
Earl Partridge: No, no, the grade. What grade are you in?
Phil Parma: That's 12th.
Earl Partridge: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I'm sick.
Thurston Howell: Stay that way.

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Magnolia Quotes

I have so much love to give, I just don't know where to put it.

Quiz Kid Donnie Smith

Don't die, you fucking asshole, don't die. Don't die, you FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!

Frank T.J. Mackey