Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free".
T.S. Quint: She said that?
Brodie: All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point.

Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S. Quint: No, why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S. Quint: Renee's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating...
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S. Quint: [Retches]
Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S. Quint: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.

You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?


Brandi: Suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?
Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer, I'm in there with some pressure and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit? That's the cheesiest response to an honest question I have ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.
Bob Summers: [Chuckling] Suitor #2, you'll have to wait until you're addressed before you respond.
Brodie: Richard Dawson, why don't you just go back to your podium until it's time to play The Feud. All right?
[Audience laughs]
Gil Hicks: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was but he seemed unimpressed.
Gil Hicks: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay.
Brodie: Hey, Suitorette, this guys a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? This hate-monger?
Gil Hicks: I don't hate gay people.
Brodie: So you love them?
Gil Hicks: Yes. I mean no.
Brodie: Textbook closet case self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!
[Banging his hands against the elevator wall]
Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, Selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers? I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!

Brodie: Brandi is the past my friend. You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage.
[Brodie gets knocked down by a metal beam]
Brodie: Where the hell did that come from? What's going on here?
T.S. Quint: Looks like a stage is being erected.
Brodie: What is this monstrosity?
T.S. Quint: Maybe it's for the Easter Bunny pictures.
Brodie: Impossible, the Easter Bunny Court is down at the other end of the mall, it's been there since two days after Christmas. I want answers!

Brodie: After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.
T.S. Quint: How do you propose I do that?
Brodie: You stinkpalm him.
T.S. Quint: Stinkpalm?
Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.
T.S. Quint: You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.
Brodie: Yeah i probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"
T.S. Quint: Whats the point?
Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.
T.S. Quint: Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.
Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.

Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment...
Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there.
Brodie: Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.
Rene: For what?
Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale...
Rene: [interrupting] Brodie, Brodie...
Brodie: ...or a boat show...
Rene: [interrupting] Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said okay. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide.
Rene: [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.

Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.


Shannon Hamilton: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair.
Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
Gil Hicks: What... like the back of a Volkswagen?

Rene: What are you doing? You promised me breakfast.
Brodie: Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

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Mallrats Quotes

Little Girl: [looking at a Magic Eye poster] Wow. It's a schooner.
Willam Black: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat.
Little Boy: A schooner IS a sailboat stupid head.
Willam Black: [becoming enraged] You know what. There is NO Easter Bunny. Over there, that's just a guy in a suit.

Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?
Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay: He's fucking dead!
Brodie: Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]
T.S. Quint: What the hell happened?
Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie: I had it coming.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
T.S. Quint: What really happened?
Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a raincheck into my stomach.
Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
T.S. Quint: You know that guy?
Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S. Quint: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.