We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.

John Smith

Mom #1: Eddie?
Eddie: [shouts] Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!
Mom #1: [pause] Never mind.

You looked like Christmas morning.

John Smith

Your aim's as bad as your cooking sweetheart... and that's saying something!

John Smith

I was never in the peace corps.

Jane Smith

John Smith: Hiya, stranger.
Jane Smith: Hiya back.

[after his wife checks his crotch for a weapon] That's all John, sweetheart.

John Smith

Jane Smith: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we *don't* say to each other. What's that called?
Marriage Counselor: Marriage.

I can't believe I brought my real parents to our wedding.

John Smith

John Smith: I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art history major.
Jane Smith: Art?
John Smith: History! It's reputable.

John Smith: I realise you witnessed the Mrs. and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.
[Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently]
John Smith: Honey!
Jane Smith: Wrap it up.
John Smith: Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.
Jane Smith: Sorry.
John Smith: Girls. Where was I?
Benjamin: Mistake on your part.
John Smith: Shut up.

John Smith: Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?
Jane Smith: No. Oh, percussion grenades. I was partially deaf that evening.

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Mr. & Mrs. Smith Quotes

Jane Smith: That vacation in Aspen, you left early, why?
John Smith: Jean-Luc Gaspard.
Jane Smith: Damn, I wanted him.
John Smith: I got it.

John Smith: Hiya, stranger.
Jane Smith: Hiya back.