John Smith: How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...
Jane Smith: 312.
John Smith: What? How?
Jane Smith: Some were two at a time.

[after his wife checks his crotch for a weapon] That's all John, sweetheart.

John Smith

John Smith: [during a car chase] I never told you, but I was married once before.
Jane Smith: [slams on the brakes]
John Smith: What's wrong with you?
Jane Smith: [hitting John] You're what's wrong with me John.
John Smith: It was just a drunken Vegas thing.
Jane Smith: Oh, that's better. That's *much* better.
[pause]
Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?
John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.

Jane Smith: My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.
John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?
Jane Smith: Paid actor.
John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!

[hotwiring a neighbor's minivan] He's had my barbecue set for months.

John Smith

Jane Smith: Wait, why do I get the girl gun?
John Smith: Are you kidding me?

Jane Smith: Any last words?
John Smith: The new curtains are hideous.

John Smith: That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.
Jane Smith: Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb.

I can't believe I brought my real parents to our wedding.

John Smith

John Smith: I realise you witnessed the Mrs. and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.
[Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently]
John Smith: Honey!
Jane Smith: Wrap it up.
John Smith: Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.
Jane Smith: Sorry.
John Smith: Girls. Where was I?
Benjamin: Mistake on your part.
John Smith: Shut up.

John Smith: Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?
Jane Smith: No. Oh, percussion grenades. I was partially deaf that evening.

Have you been selling big guns to bad people?

Jane Smith

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Mr. & Mrs. Smith Quotes

Jane Smith: That vacation in Aspen, you left early, why?
John Smith: Jean-Luc Gaspard.
Jane Smith: Damn, I wanted him.
John Smith: I got it.

Marriage Counselor: How often do you have sex?
Jane Smith: I don't understand the question.