D.A. Jim Trotter: Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?
Lisa: I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.
D.A. Jim Trotter: An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
Lisa: It doesn't.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Counselor, your clients are charged with first degree murder. How do they plead?
Vinny Gambini: [sitting down] Your Honor, my clients...
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Don't talk to me sitting in that chair.
Vinny Gambini: But he
[points to bailiff]
Vinny Gambini: told me to sit here.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: When you're addressed in this court, you'll rise. Speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice.

J.T.: Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny Gambini: What is it?
J.T.: $200.
Vinny Gambini: Bring it here, let me see it.
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
Vinny Gambini: How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T.: [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny Gambini: Fan it out, show it to me.
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, right.

Lisa: What the fuck is going on here, Vinny? You fucking up this case or what?
Vinny Gambini: I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's procedure. I'm bound to fuck up a little.
Lisa: A little? You've been thrown in jail twice.

Lisa: Don't worry, I'll find a way to bail you out.
Vinny Gambini: No don't. I'm gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep. I'm doing good, huh?

It's a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure. You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold? Supposing you skip the first step, and while you're replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes into the head. You're fucked. You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first, right? So that's all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way. Actually, it was a good learning experience for me.

Vinny Gambini

Bill: You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.
Stan: My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers.
Bill: Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs.

Bill: At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?
Stan: The magician with the ponytail?
Bill: Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.

Well, I got a bullshit traffic ticket. I went to court, I got the cop on the stand, and I argued with him until he admitted he was wrong. And the judge, this Judge Malloy. All the while he's laughing and smiling. And then afterwards, he asks me to go to lunch with him. Then he says to me, "you know what? You'd be a good litigator." I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, I don't know what a litigator is. I never thought of becoming a lawyer. But this Judge Malloy, who's from Brooklyn, too? He did it, so all of a sudden, it seemed possible. So I went to law school.

Vinny Gambini

Vinny Gambini: Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?
George Wilbur: Very impressive.
Vinny Gambini: She's cute too, huh?
George Wilbur: Yes, very.
[laughter]
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini...
Vinny Gambini: Sorry, Your Honor.

Bill, listen. Take your time, pick the right words, get back to New York, give me a call.

Vinny Gambini

Mona Lisa Vito: So what's your problem?
Vinny Gambini: My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Mona Lisa Vito: Well, I guess that plan's moot.
Vinny Gambini: Yeah.
Mona Lisa Vito: You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? you win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, "thank you."
[pause]
Mona Lisa Vito: Oh my God, what a fucking nightmare!

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My Cousin Vinny Quotes

Vinny Gambini: Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?
[Lisa examines the picture]
Vinny Gambini: Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense's case hold water?
Mona Lisa Vito: No! The defense is wrong!
Vinny Gambini: Are you sure?
Mona Lisa Vito: I'm positive.

Hey Stan, you're in Ala-Fuckin-Bama. You come from New York. You killed a good old boy. There is no way this is not going to trial.

Vinny Gambini