Helen: Tod?
Tod: Yeah?
Helen: Do you want me to make you breakfast?
Tod: No thanks, Julie will.
Helen: Great.
[then adds under her breath]
Helen: I'll get the fire extinguisher.

Frank: [watching Larry get thrown from a moving car and rolling up next to his feet] Who was that?
Larry Buckman: [Larry stands up and brushes himself off] Oh, just some friends of mine.
Frank: Friends? Friends slow down. Friends even stop!

I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.

Helen

Lou: Hey, Gil, our boys finally gonna win one game?
Gil: Way to be supportive, Lou.

They're bad dudes. That's why they call the game "Bad Dudes."

Gil

Julie: I can't believe I trusted him...
Helen: Well, what did you expect from a kid like that?
Julie: Oh, Mom, back off. The last guy you dated stole our furniture.

Tod: Has anyone seen my wife?
Helen: She's still at school. She has cheerleading practice.

Larry Buckman: Is that Grandma?
Frank: Yeah, she's still alive.
Larry Buckman: Jeez Grandma, you got short.
Grandma: I'm shrinking!
Larry Buckman: Bummer!

Julie: I can't do this! This is too intense!
Helen: This is marriage!

[referring to the porno tape on the TV]
Grandma: What channel is this?
Helen: No, grandma, this is a tape.
Grandma: [to Susan] She really needs a man.

[Gil sees Justin wearing nothing but a gunbelt]
Gil: That's what you're wearing to bed? You'll catch a cold!
[Justin puts on a cowboy hat]
Gil: Perfect!
[Karen enters]
Gil: Karen, how about after the kids are asleep... (referring to Justin.) I wear this outfit?

Karen: I happen to LIKE the roller coaster, okay? As far as I'm concerned, your grandmother is brilliant.
Gil: Yeah if she's so brilliant why is she sitting in our NEIGHBOR'S CAR?

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Parenthood Quotes

You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.

Tod

I wouldn't live with you if the world were flooded with piss and you lived in a tree!

Julie