Ed McDonnough: [sobbing, taking H.I.'s mug shot again] Turn to the right.
H.I.: What's the matter, Ed?
Ed McDonnough: My "fy-ance" left me.
H.I.: [narrating] She said her fiancé had run off with a student cosmetologist, who knew how to ply her feminine wiles.
H.I.: [out loud] That sumbitch. You tell him, I think he's a damn fool, Ed. You tell him I said so - H.I. McDonnough. If he wants to discuss it, he knows where to find me: in the Maricopa County Maximum Security Correctional Facility For Men State Farm, Road Number 31, Tempe, Arizona! I'LL BE WAITIN'! ... I'll be waitin'.

H.I.: Need a beer, Glen?
Glen: Does the Pope wear a funny hat?

Gubmint do take a bite, don't she?

Payroll Cashier

Nathan, Jr., accepts me for what I am! And I think you better had, too! You know I'm okay, you're okay! That there's what it is!

H.I.

H.I.: I think the wife and me are splitting up. Her point is that we're both kind of selfish and unrealistic, so we're not really good for each other.
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Well, ma'am, I don't know much, but I do know human beings. You brought back my boy, so you must have your good points, too. I sure hate to think of Florence leaving me. I do love her so. You can go out the way you came in. Oh, and before you do another foolish thing like busting up, I suggest you sleep on it. At least for a night.

I'm in here on my knees, Ed, a free man proposing. Howdy, Kurt.

H.I.

Ed McDonnough: [taking H.I.'s mug shot] Turn to the right!
H.I.: What kind of name is Ed for a pretty thing like you?
Ed McDonnough: Short for Edwina. Turn to the right!
H.I.: You're a flower, you are. Just a little desert flower.

Dot: Where's that baby? Where's he at?
Glen: [smacks Dot on the ass] Go find him, honey!
Dot: [smacks Glen with her purse] Cut it out, Glen!
H.I.: [quietly] He's asleep right now.
Glen: [rubbing his jaw] Shit! I hope we didn't wake it!

Glen: Say, that 'minds me. What are going to name him?
H.I.: Uh... Ed. Ed, Jr.
Glen: But I thought you said it was a boy?
H.I.: Ed as in "Edward." We just like that name!
Glen: Yeah it's a good one.

Nathan Arizona Sr.: All right, boy, I guess you got a reward coming, $25,000. Or, if you need home furnishings, I can give you a line of credit at any of my stores. In fact, that's the way I'd rather handle it. Tax reasons.
Ed McDonnough: We don't want no reward. We didn't bring him back for money.
Nathan Arizona Sr.: We can work it that way, too!

Evelle: I got me some baby grub, baby wipes, diapers, them disposable kind. I also got a package of balloons.
Gale: They blow up into funny shapes and all?
Evelle: No, just circular.

I know you're partial to convenience stores, but dammit, H.I., the sun don't rise and set on the corner grocery.

Gale

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Raising Arizona Quotes

Cellmate: ...and when there was no meat... we ate fowl... and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad... and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.
H.I.: You ate what?
Cellmate: We ate sand.
[pause]
H.I.: You ate SAND?
Cellmate: That's right.

Ed McDonnough: This ain't family life!
H.I.: Well... it sure ain't "Ozzie and Harriet."