There's right and there's right and never the twain shall meet.

H.I.

Now you take that diaper off your head and you put it back on your sister!

Dot

Biology and the prejudices of others conspired to keep us childless.

H.I.

Gale: Why ain't you breast-feeding? You appear to be capable.
Ed McDonnough: Mind your own bid'ness.
Evelle: Ma'am, you don't breast-feed him, he'll hate you for it later. That's why we wound up in prison.
Gale: Anyway, that's what Doc Schwartz tells us.

Ed McDonnough: [sobbing, taking H.I.'s mug shot again] Turn to the right.
H.I.: What's the matter, Ed?
Ed McDonnough: My "fy-ance" left me.
H.I.: [narrating] She said her fiancé had run off with a student cosmetologist, who knew how to ply her feminine wiles.
H.I.: [out loud] That sumbitch. You tell him, I think he's a damn fool, Ed. You tell him I said so - H.I. McDonnough. If he wants to discuss it, he knows where to find me: in the Maricopa County Maximum Security Correctional Facility For Men State Farm, Road Number 31, Tempe, Arizona! I'LL BE WAITIN'! ... I'll be waitin'.

Son, you got a panty on your head.

Hayseed

Nathan Arizona Sr.: If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a- hoppin'. Look, it is exactly 8:45 in the PM. I'll be down at that store in exactly 12 hours to kick me some butt. Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!

You want to find an outlaw, hire an outlaw. You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.

Leonard Smalls

Ed McDonnough: This ain't family life!
H.I.: Well... it sure ain't "Ozzie and Harriet."

Say, did you hear about the person of the Polish persuasion who walked into a bar with a big 'ol pile of shit in his hands and he says, "Look what I almost stepped in"?

Glen

H.I.: A man for a husband.
Ed McDonnough: That ain't no answer.
H.I.: Honey, that's the only answer.
Ed McDonnough: That ain't no answer.

Ed McDonnough: We finally go out with decent people and you break his nose. That ain't too funny, Hi.
H.I.: His kids seemed to think it was funny.
Ed McDonnough: Well they're just kids.

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Raising Arizona Quotes

[to baby] And this here's the TV. Two hours a day, either educational or football, so you don't ruin your appreciation of the finer things.

H.I.

Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.

H.I.