H.I.: Need a beer, Glen?
Glen: Does the Pope wear a funny hat?

Son, you got a panty on your head.

Hayseed

H.I.: What are you talkin' about, Glen?
Glen: What am I talkin' about? I'm talkin' about sex, boy, what the hell you talkin' about? I'm talkin' about l'amour! I'm talkin' that me and Dot are swingers, as in "to swing." I'm talkin' about wife swappin'. I'm talkin' about what they call nowadays open marriage. I'm talk...
H.I.: [Knocks Glen out] Keep your damn hands off my wife!

Gale: Why ain't you breast-feeding? You appear to be capable.
Ed McDonnough: Mind your own bid'ness.
Evelle: Ma'am, you don't breast-feed him, he'll hate you for it later. That's why we wound up in prison.
Gale: Anyway, that's what Doc Schwartz tells us.

Cellmate: ...and when there was no meat... we ate fowl... and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad... and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.
H.I.: You ate what?
Cellmate: We ate sand.
[pause]
H.I.: You ate SAND?
Cellmate: That's right.

Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.

H.I.

Nathan Arizona Sr.: If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a- hoppin'. Look, it is exactly 8:45 in the PM. I'll be down at that store in exactly 12 hours to kick me some butt. Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!

Policeman: Do you have any disgruntled employees?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Hell, they're all disgruntled. I ain't running no damn daisy farm. My motto is "Do it my way or watch your butt!"
Policeman: Well, do you think any of them could've done it?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Oh, don't make me laugh. Without my say-so they wouldn't piss with their pants on fire.

We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured havin' a critter was the next logical step.

H.I.

There's right and there's right and never the twain shall meet.

H.I.

Gale: You understand, H.I.? If this works out, it's just the beginning of a spree to cover the entire southwest proper. And we keep going until we can retire. Or we get caught.
Evelle: Either way, we're fixed for life.

Gale: Shit! Where'd all the tellers go?
Teller's voices: We're down here, sir.
Evelle: They're on the floor as you commanded, Gale.

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Raising Arizona Quotes

Now you take that diaper off your head and you put it back on your sister!

Dot

You want to find an outlaw, hire an outlaw. You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.

Leonard Smalls