Nathan Arizona Sr.: If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a- hoppin'. Look, it is exactly 8:45 in the PM. I'll be down at that store in exactly 12 hours to kick me some butt. Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!

Nathan Arizona Sr.: I got the cops and the Federal BI out there lookin' for my boy...
Leonard Smalls: Cops won't find your boy. A cop couldn't find his butt if it had a bell on it.

Policeman: What did the pajamas look like?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: I don't know ... they were jammies! They had Yodas 'n' shit on 'em!

Say, did you hear about the person of the Polish persuasion who walked into a bar with a big 'ol pile of shit in his hands and he says, "Look what I almost stepped in"?

Glen

H.I.: A man for a husband.
Ed McDonnough: That ain't no answer.
H.I.: Honey, that's the only answer.
Ed McDonnough: That ain't no answer.

Ed McDonnough: We finally go out with decent people and you break his nose. That ain't too funny, Hi.
H.I.: His kids seemed to think it was funny.
Ed McDonnough: Well they're just kids.

H.I.: Do you ever get the feeling that there's something... Powerful pressing down on you?
Glen: Yes, I know that feeling... and I told Dot to lose some weight but she don't wanna listen!

This is Gale and Evelle Snoats. As fine a pair as ever... broke and entered!

H.I.

Nathan Arizona Sr.: If you're looking for furniture or a shitbox, out there is the sales floor.
Leonard Smalls: I'm not a customer. I'm a man hunter. But I do hunt babies on occasion. I heard tell you got one you can't put your hand to.
Nathan Arizona Sr.: How do you know about that?
Leonard Smalls: That's my job. I'm a tracker. Some say part hound dog.

Here you are sitting on your butt playing house with a... Don't get me wrong, H.I., a fine woman but one who seems like she needs one of those button-down types.

Gale

I know you're partial to convenience stores, but dammit, H.I., the sun don't rise and set on the corner grocery.

Gale

Evelle: I got me some baby grub, baby wipes, diapers, them disposable kind. I also got a package of balloons.
Gale: They blow up into funny shapes and all?
Evelle: No, just circular.

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Raising Arizona Quotes

Now you take that diaper off your head and you put it back on your sister!

Dot

You want to find an outlaw, hire an outlaw. You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.

Leonard Smalls