Now you take that diaper off your head and you put it back on your sister!


Policeman: Do you have any disgruntled employees?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Hell, they're all disgruntled. I ain't running no damn daisy farm. My motto is "Do it my way or watch your butt!"
Policeman: Well, do you think any of them could've done it?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Oh, don't make me laugh. Without my say-so they wouldn't piss with their pants on fire.

H.I.: What are you talkin' about, Glen?
Glen: What am I talkin' about? I'm talkin' about sex, boy, what the hell you talkin' about? I'm talkin' about l'amour! I'm talkin' that me and Dot are swingers, as in "to swing." I'm talkin' about wife swappin'. I'm talkin' about what they call nowadays open marriage. I'm talk...
H.I.: [Knocks Glen out] Keep your damn hands off my wife!

Son, you got a panty on your head.


Nathan Arizona Sr.: If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a- hoppin'. Look, it is exactly 8:45 in the PM. I'll be down at that store in exactly 12 hours to kick me some butt. Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!

Nathan Arizona Sr.: I got the cops and the Federal BI out there lookin' for my boy...
Leonard Smalls: Cops won't find your boy. A cop couldn't find his butt if it had a bell on it.

Say, did you hear about the person of the Polish persuasion who walked into a bar with a big 'ol pile of shit in his hands and he says, "Look what I almost stepped in"?


H.I.: A man for a husband.
Ed McDonnough: That ain't no answer.
H.I.: Honey, that's the only answer.
Ed McDonnough: That ain't no answer.

Ed McDonnough: We finally go out with decent people and you break his nose. That ain't too funny, Hi.
H.I.: His kids seemed to think it was funny.
Ed McDonnough: Well they're just kids.

H.I.: Do you ever get the feeling that there's something... Powerful pressing down on you?
Glen: Yes, I know that feeling... and I told Dot to lose some weight but she don't wanna listen!

This is Gale and Evelle Snoats. As fine a pair as ever... broke and entered!


Nathan Arizona Sr.: If you're looking for furniture or a shitbox, out there is the sales floor.
Leonard Smalls: I'm not a customer. I'm a man hunter. But I do hunt babies on occasion. I heard tell you got one you can't put your hand to.
Nathan Arizona Sr.: How do you know about that?
Leonard Smalls: That's my job. I'm a tracker. Some say part hound dog.

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Raising Arizona Quotes

[to baby] And this here's the TV. Two hours a day, either educational or football, so you don't ruin your appreciation of the finer things.


Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.