[unable to sip from a narrow-mouthed wineglass, C.D. sticks his nose into the glass and snorts it]
C.D. Bales: Party trick. Ah, well, a nose by any other name...
Roxanne Kowalski: Would smell as sweet.

Dixie: Hey, what about your boyfriend? What was his name?
Roxanne Kowalski: Richard.
Dixie: When's he coming?
Roxanne Kowalski: He's not. He's not coming.
Dixie: What happened?
Roxanne Kowalski: We just ran out of gas. I guess I mistook sex for love.
Sandy: Oh, I did that once. It was great.

C.D. Bales: [to two drunks that have just made fun of his nose] I really admire your shoes.
Drunk #1: What?
C.D. Bales: I love your shoes.
Drunk #2: What do ya mean?
C.D. Bales: And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be IN your shoes at this particular time and place.

Well, every job has a perfect tool. Let's see... Uh, this lock doesn't accept Master Card.

C.D. Bales

C.D. Bales: [the first time Chris sees C.D.'s nose] It's hypnotic, isn't it?
Chris McConnell: It's huge! It's enormous! It's gigantic! I mean, they said it was big, but I didn't expect it to be BIG!

It's not the size of the nose that matters, it's what's inside that counts!

C.D. Bales

Roxanne Kowalski: Just get out! Go on, get out!
C.D. Bales: Wait a second, I am out. You get in!
Roxanne Kowalski: No, get out!
C.D. Bales: Get in. Go on, get off the porch. Go on get off the porch.

C.D. Bales: Do you know the phrase carpe diem?
Chris McConnell: It's, it's fish, fish bait, right?

Roxanne Kowalski: So why did you say those things?
C.D. Bales: Tell her you were afraid.
Chris McConnell: Because I was afraid.
Roxanne Kowalski: Of me? Afraid of what?
C.D. Bales: Tell her you were afraid of words.
Chris McConnell: What?
C.D. Bales: Words.
Chris McConnell: Because I was afraid of worms, Roxanne! Worms!

[after Roxanne shows up naked outside the firehouse]
Trent: Who's at the door?
C.D. Bales: Someone locked out of their house.
Andy: Need any help, chief?
C.D. Bales: Nah, it looks pretty boring, I'll handle it.

[C.D is helping Roxanne move her extremely heavy telescope up a huge flight of stairs at the back of her house] You know, my aunt once knitted one of these, it was a lot lighter.

C.D. Bales

[last lines]
Roxanne Kowalski: By the way, I named the comet.
C.D. Bales: Oh yeah, oh yeah, good ol' Comet Kowalski.
Roxanne Kowalski: No, Comet Charlie.
C.D. Bales: Oh, hey... that's nice.
Roxanne Kowalski: Yeah, it's my dad's name.
C.D. Bales: Oh... oh. Well, he'll be so happy.

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Roxanne Quotes

Dixie: What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
C.D. Bales: Huh?
Dixie: It's a riddle. What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
C.D. Bales: I don't know.
Dixie: A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
C.D. Bales: What's the point?
Dixie: The point is that sometimes the answer is so obvious, you don't even realize it. It's as plain as the nose on your face. You should tell her!
C.D. Bales: Tell who, what?
Dixie: Tell Roxanne that you love her.

I would rather be with the people of this town than with the finest people in the world.

Mayor Deebs