Well, every job has a perfect tool. Let's see... Uh, this lock doesn't accept Master Card.

C.D. Bales

Chris McConnell: What am I afraid of her for? She's no rocket scientist.
C.D. Bales: Well, actually, she is a rocket scientist.

Dixie: Hey, what about your boyfriend? What was his name?
Roxanne Kowalski: Richard.
Dixie: When's he coming?
Roxanne Kowalski: He's not. He's not coming.
Dixie: What happened?
Roxanne Kowalski: We just ran out of gas. I guess I mistook sex for love.
Sandy: Oh, I did that once. It was great.

[unable to sip from a narrow-mouthed wineglass, C.D. sticks his nose into the glass and snorts it]
C.D. Bales: Party trick. Ah, well, a nose by any other name...
Roxanne Kowalski: Would smell as sweet.

That's our new computer. We can pinpoint any fire in town with that. It's perfect for us, because, you know, we're the fire department.

Andy

Dixie: Want anything? A drink?
C.D. Bales: Yeah, but if I ask for another one, give it to me.

Sandy: He's got a great ass.
Roxanne Kowalski: Too bad it's on his shoulders.

Your breasts, they're like melons. No, no, they're like pillows. Can I fluff your pillows?

Chris McConnell

I, uh, notice you don't have any tattoos. I think that's a wise choice. I don't think Jackie Onassis would've gone as far if she'd have had an anchor on her arm.

C.D. Bales

I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream - and I hope you don't find this too crazy - is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!" That would be bad.

C.D. Bales

I have nothing against cute. I just wish I could meet someone with half a brain this time.

Roxanne Kowalski

Chris McConnell: [after Chris accidentally insults C.D.'s nose] Aren't you going to kill me? The guys said...
C.D. Bales: Oh, ordinarily, yeah, but not today.
Chris McConnell: How come?
C.D. Bales: Because yesterday... she doesn't. But today... she does.
[They laugh together, as the guys come back in]
Chuck: So you finally got a sense of humor about your nose.
[C.D. grabs his tie and slams him against the wall, causing the guys to run out again]

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Roxanne Quotes

Dixie: What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
C.D. Bales: Huh?
Dixie: It's a riddle. What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
C.D. Bales: I don't know.
Dixie: A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
C.D. Bales: What's the point?
Dixie: The point is that sometimes the answer is so obvious, you don't even realize it. It's as plain as the nose on your face. You should tell her!
C.D. Bales: Tell who, what?
Dixie: Tell Roxanne that you love her.

I would rather be with the people of this town than with the finest people in the world.

Mayor Deebs