Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: We're putting you on what we call sudden death academic probation.
Max Fischer: And what does that entail?
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: It entails that if you fail another class, you'll be asked to leave Rushmore.
Max Fischer: In other words, I'll be expelled.
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: That's correct.
Max Fischer: Can I see some documentation on that, please?
[Guggenheim hands him his transcript]
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: Too many extracurricular activities, Max. Not enough studying
Max Fischer: Dr. Guggenheim, I don't want to tell you how to do your job. But the fact is, no matter how hard I try, I still might flunk another class. If that means I have to stay on for a post-graduate year, so be it...
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: We don't offer a post-graduate year.
Max Fischer: Well, we don't offer it yet.

Max Fischer: Your mind's as warped as your ear, Magnus.
Magnus Buchan: Don't Get Nasty, Brother.

Herman Blume: Why did you ask me to come here?
Max Fischer: Oh, I was going to drop that tree on you.
Herman Blume: That big one?
Max Fischer: Yeah.
Herman Blume: It would've flattened me like a pancake.

Max Fischer: What was your major?
Rosemary Cross: I didn't have a major, but my thesis was on Latin American economic policy.
Max Fischer: Oh, that's interesting. Did you hear that they're not going to teach Latin anymore?
Rosemary Cross: This was more like Central America.

Herman Blume: Come work for me.
Max Fischer: What do you mean?
Herman Blume: I mean I-I could use someone like you.
Max Fischer: Look, I may not be rich, Mr. Blume, my father may only be a doctor, but we manage.

Herman Blume: So you've changed your mind and you want the job.
Max Fischer: No, I've got an idea and I need some money.

Rosemary Cross: I'm just having a little snack
Herman Blume: What'd you got there... carrots?

Bert Fischer: You're like one of those clipper ship captains. You're married to the sea.
Max Fischer: Yes, that's true.

Rosemary Cross: How did I hurt your feelings?
Max Fischer: Oh, my God! I wrote a hit play!

Best play ever, man.

Mr. Littlejeans

Rosemary Cross: Is this fake blood?
Max Fischer: Yes, it is.

Dear Max, I am sorry to say that I have secretly found out that Mr. Blume is having an affair with Miss Cross. My first suspicions came when I saw them Frenching in front of our house. And then I knew for sure when they went skinny dipping in Mr. Blume's swimming pool, giving each other handjobs while you were taking a nap on the front porch.

Dirk Calloway

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Rushmore Quotes

[to Dr. Peter] I was punched in the face. What's your excuse?

Max Fischer

Max Fischer: I like your nurse's uniform, guy.
Dr. Peter Flynn: These are O.R. scrubs.
Max Fischer: O, R they?