J.D.: [bringing a box of videos to Judith] Hey, I brought you some more videos. You've got your choice: porno's or monster trucks. Oh, and I got one that's both.

Judith: I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother.
Wayne: I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but girls call him the human power drill.
J.D.: It's true!

[to Wayne] There is no right girl for you! And if you've already met her, she's probably either killed herself, or become a lesbian.

Judith

Darren: I don't think I'm gonna be real comfortable with these things on my nipples.
Wayne: I can put 'em on your balls.
Darren: The nipples are fine. Nipples work.

Judith: Have you ever had a girlfriend?
J.D.: Yes... No!
Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?
J.D.: Which man?
Judith: Any man!
J.D.: You mean like a tall man?
Judith: Sure, whatever!
J.D.: 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me!
Judith: What about a short man?
J.D.: How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets!
Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all?
J.D.: Does that include celebrities?

Wayne: Our enemy is wicked, so...
J.D.: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.
Wayne: Damien.
J.D.: Dude, she's Vader.
Wayne: No! She's the Emperor.
J.D.: Yeah, but with really great tits.
Wayne: Ok, now Sandy, that girl, she's a real nice girl.
J.D.: Ah, yeah.
Wayne: She's a sweetheart.
J.D.: Dude, a saint.
Wayne: A goddess.
J.D.: A princess.
Wayne: No what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa.
J.D.: Yeah, but with way better tits.

She used her super-intellect on me! She's like Hanibal Lecter.

J.D.

Darren: You're a lot stronger then you were in high school.
Sandy: Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym.

Wayne: So, Coach, how's your parole coming?
Coach Norton: Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining
J.D.: God! What is their PROBLEM?

I don't have much time, guys. I have to go home and wax Judith's legs.

Darren

J.D.: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like,
[making obscene gestures with his hands]
J.D.: 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha!
Wayne: Dude, mime's don't talk.
J.D.: They do when they're off duty.

J.D.: Do you want anything to drink?
Judith: Scotch on the rocks
J.D.: Do you want ice with that?

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Saving Silverman Quotes

J.D.: [bringing a box of videos to Judith] Hey, I brought you some more videos. You've got your choice: porno's or monster trucks. Oh, and I got one that's both.

Wayne: So, Coach, how's your parole coming?
Coach Norton: Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining
J.D.: God! What is their PROBLEM?