Tony Robbins: Haven't you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Mauricio: Have you heard the song "Who Let The Dogs Out"?

[after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio]
Hal: Does she take the cake, or what?
Mauricio: She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

Hal: There's Rosemary.
Mauricio: Where?
Hal: Right there!
Mauricio: Is she behind the Rhino?

She's got CANKLES!

Mauricio

Mauricio: The thing is all the women he's been seeing are ugly.
Tony Robbins: Who says they're ugly?
Mauricio: Bausch & Lomb.

Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H.!

Mauricio

Tony Robbins: Hal, don't you think you're being a bit shallow here in the way you look at women?
Hal: Well, no! You know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit, too.
Tony Robbins: Ok Hal, hypothetical situation; Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?
Hal: Hmmm, toughie. What about the remaining breast? Is it big?

I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me; I thought he was going to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear.

Rosemary

Walt: Don't you read the business section?
Hal: Why, what's up?
Walt: I just sold my company to Microsoft!
Hal: Yeah, you cleaned up?
Walt: Let's just say if I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.

Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile.

Mauricio

[Hal is going to make his move on some unattractive girls]
Hal: I'm going for the one in the middle. You can have your pick of the other two.
Mauricio: So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?

You can't come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three seconds. Five, tops. It's called a quip, not a sloooowwwwp.

Mauricio

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Shallow Hal Quotes

[after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio]
Hal: Does she take the cake, or what?
Mauricio: She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

Tony Robbins: Haven't you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Mauricio: Have you heard the song "Who Let The Dogs Out"?