Princess Fiona: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Shrek: Uh, no.
Princess Fiona: Why not?
Shrek: I have helmet hair.
Princess Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
Shrek: Oh, no, you wouldn't... tst.
Princess Fiona: But... how will you kiss me?
Shrek: What? That wasn't in the job description.
Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.

• Permalink: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight....
• Rating: Unrated

The Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
The Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?
Shrek: That's the moon.
The Donkey: Oh, okay.

• Permalink: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's, um, Ga...
• Rating: Unrated

Princess Fiona: [turns into an ogre] I wanted to show you before.
Shrek: Well, er, that explains a lot.

• Permalink: I wanted to show you before. Well, er, that explains a lot.
• Rating: Unrated

Donkey: Wait a minute, I know what's going on. You're afraid of the dark.
Princess Fiona: Why... yes!
Donkey: Don't worry, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark until... No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

• Permalink: Wait a minute, I know what's going on. You're afraid of the dar...
• Rating: Unrated

Princess Fiona: Shrek's hurt.
The Donkey: What? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm fine.
The Donkey: You can't die on me, Shrek! I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich?

• Permalink: Shrek's hurt. What? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!...
• Rating: Unrated

Donkey: Don't mess wit' me. I'm the Stair Master. I've Mastered the Stairs. I wish I had a step right here, I could step here and here and here and step all over it.
Shrek: Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up.

• Permalink: Don't mess wit' me. I'm the Stair Master. I've Mastered the Sta...
• Rating: Unrated

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
Captain of Guards: Five schillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

• Permalink: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. Five schillings for the pos...
• Rating: Unrated

And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man, there were some strong gases seepin' outta my butt that day!

Donkey

• Permalink: And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man, there were so...
• Rating: Unrated

Shrek: Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
The Donkey: Wow, only a true friend would be that truely honest.

• Permalink: Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends. Wow, only a t...
• Rating: Unrated

Donkey: Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be my home.
Donkey: Oh and it is LOVELY. You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.

• Permalink: Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that? Th...
• Rating: Unrated

Donkey: You, uh... you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, me too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...
[big awkward silence ensues]
Donkey: ... Can I stay with you?

• Permalink: You, uh... you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privac...
• Rating: Unrated

This'll be fun. We'll stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning... I'm making waffles.

Donkey

• Permalink: This'll be fun. We'll stay up late, swapping manly stories, and...
• Rating: Unrated