Jack: [Stephanie pours Jack and Miles full glasses of sample wine] Oh, Stephanie, you bad girl.
Stephanie: I know, I need to be spanked.

Cammi: And here are your handy wipes.
Jack: Oh, so that's what these are. For a minute there I thought you guys were promoting safe sex.

[after teaching Jack how to evaluating a glass of wine prior to tasting] ... Are you chewing gum?

Miles Raymond

Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, asshole!

Jack

Try to be your normal, humorous self. The guy you were before the tailspin. Do you remember that guy? People love that guy.

Jack

Miles Raymond: Hey, what should I wear?
Jack: I don't know, something casual but nice. They think you're a writer.

Yeah, right. Yup, I'm a homo. Yeah. Yeah. Just make up whatever you want and that's what happened. Okay? Write out my gay confession and I'll sign it. Okay? Just stop pushing me all the time. You're an infant, Jack. This is all a big party for you... but not for me.

Miles Raymond

Listen, honey. Let me call you right back. Miles and I are in the middle of something. No, it's nothing serious, Miles is just having one of his freak-outs. Yeah. Love you too.

Jack

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Sideways Quotes

Bet ya that chick's two tons of fun. You know, the grateful type?

Jack

You gotta help me! You gotta help me!

Jack